Comeuppance Reviews

The Maddening (1996)

2012-02-10T06:42:00.000-05:00

The Maddening (1996)-**

Directed by: Danny Huston

Starring: Burt Reynolds, Angie Dickinson, Mia Sara, Josh Mostel, Brian Wimmer, and William Hickey

It’s “Burtsploitation” at its finest as the legendary Reynolds plays an evil psycho in a DTV thriller.

Roy Scudder (the Burtster) and his wife Georgina (Dickinson) live in a creepy old house somewhere in the backwoods of Florida. For their own twisted psychological ends, they kidnap Cassie Osbourne (Sara) and her young daughter Samantha (Buglewicz) and force them to become members of their family. While they’re trying to escape their clutches, Cassie’s husband David (Wimmer) and police inspector Chicky Ross (Mostel) are also trying to get to the bottom of their disappearance. Will they escape with their lives...or will their attempts just be MADDENING?

Trying out the “Old Dark House” scenario with some Psycho (1960)-like moves on a very low budget, The Maddening really is just a standard, dumb hostage drama but with a few “creepy” shots and musical stings. It should have been more of an out-and-out horror movie with a higher kill count, and what further sinks the notion of horror-ness is some stupid humor. Typified by, among other things, the “comical” fat detective that is always eating and even has stereotypical tuba music playing when he walks. Last time we checked, that’s not what horror fans want to see.

What they DO want to see, obviously, is Burt Reynolds. He has some sort of Southern, perhaps Cajun accent that comes and goes, and the absurd toupee he wears looks like a squirrel glued to his head. But for menacing glares, you can’t do much better than the U.S. VHS cover. This may have been made in the 90’s, but it’s no Malone. The rest of the movie has an odd, stilted vibe.

While the movie has a reasonably professional air to it, due largely - probably - to famous Danny Huston as director - it’s kind of hard to imagine anyone being really SCARED by The Maddening. Unless you’re a kid, but then why would you be seeing The Maddening? Unless your parents rented it and you happened to see it...see, this could go on forever. It’s the type of thing that keeps you up at night, We tell ya.

The Maddening is an oddity that only could have happened in the 90’s. It has some big names in a scenario that wavers between unintentional “laffs” and scenes of child abuse. Burt fans surely would want to see him in a rare bad guy role, but the end result of it all is pretty ridiculous.

Also check our buddy, The Video Vacuum's review!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Heat (1986)

2012-02-07T23:13:00.000-05:00

Heat (1986)-**

Directed by: Dick Richards

Starring: Burt Reynolds, Karen Young, Neill Barry, Peter MacNicol, and Howard Hesseman

Nick “Mex” Escalante (Reynolds) is a Las Vegas-based gambler and bodyguard that kind of just drifts through life, going from adventure to adventure - whether it be getting revenge for the rape of his friend Holly (Young) or teaching new acquaintance Cyrus Kinnick (MacNicol) how to defend himself. He just wants to scrape together enough money to move to Venice, but all of his enemies, especially his latest one, Danny DeMarco (Barry) - want to prevent this from happening.

This was the beginning of Burt’s “Not Caring” period. Probably due to circumstances in his personal life, what was probably perceived at the time as just a droll performance, is actually how Burt carried out most of his work from here on in. This movie not only has a slow pace and is talky when there should be action, it seems less like an action movie and more of a rambling drama. The fact that Robert Altman was originally slated to direct makes a lot of sense.

The few action scenes there are happen to be absolutely priceless - they’re very funny. But their humor, whether intentional or not, does not match the tone of the rest of the film. In between the action bits, there are long stretches where, boringly, nothing really goes on. What a wasted opportunity. The DeMarco crime family should have sent more goons after Burt and he can dispatch them in his own inimitable way. But no, it’s him and Peter MacNicol talking about life. Can’t they do that on their own time? There isn’t even one car chase for crying out loud.

On the positive side, there is a lot of pre-political correctness dialogue, and the soundtrack is drenched in classic sax (just like the Wings Hauser Las Vegas movie Living To Die, 1990). And, of course, Howard Hesseman is involved. And if you can’t get enough of the magnetism of Burt Reynolds (not caring), Heat should satisfy that need. Keep in mind this was the BEGINNING of his Not Caring period. Compared to later outings, he still had a little bit of “care” left in him.

Heat is not exactly a must see, but in the action sequences, we actually rewound a few parts. So if you find it cheap somewhere (very cheap) get it. Otherwise, eh.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Stick (1985)

2012-02-06T05:42:00.001-05:00

Stick (1985)-**1\2

Directed by: Burt Reynolds

Starring: Burt Reynolds, Charles Durning, George Segal, Candice Bergin, and Dar Robinson

Burt Reynolds plays Ernest “Stick” Stickley. We should just stop the plot description right there. But we’ll go on - Stick is an ex-con who gets out of jail and ends up working as a chauffeur for a mega-wealthy dude (Segal) and living at his mansion in the Miami area. While he’s trying to romance Kyle (Bergen) as well as forge a relationship with his daughter after his prison stay, nefarious drug dealers and gangsters are after Stick, led by the flamboyant Chucky (Durning) and his remorseless hit man Moke (Robinson). Will Stick Stickley stick to the law-abiding side of life?

This was the last movie Burt made before his Not Caring period (discussed in our Heat, 1986 review). Because he still cared (after all, he directed the movie and co-wrote the theme song “I Don’t Think I’m Ready For You” sung by Anne Murray), his demeanor is actually pleasant to watch and seems to be enjoying himself reasonably enough, by Burt standards. He gets many personas in the movie - from the “Indiana Burt” of the beginning with his bomber jacket, fedora and beard to the “James Bond Burt” of later on, with “Casual Burt” in the middle, complete with pink Members Only jacket. (We’re not entirely convinced that it isn’t a woman’s jacket).

But the real star of the show is Charles Durning as Chucky. In a role like no other we’ve seen Durning interpret, he plays a Rip Taylor-like villain complete with loud shirts and bizarre makeup. Durning steals the movie, but George Segal gives him a run for his money with his big, boisterous role as Barry.

While Burt is as laconic as ever in front of the camera, he does a good, competent job behind it, clearly influenced by the popularity of Miami Vice. But the movie is a lengthy production with a very mainstream look. It needed more grit. It also should have been shorter and snappier. Elmore Leonard usually does good work but 52 Pick-Up (1986) remains his best.

Clearly the Nickelodeon character Stick Stickley was influenced by Burt Reynolds.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Shakedown (1988)

2012-02-03T08:04:00.000-05:00

Shakedown (1988)-***
AKA: Blue Jean Cop

Directed by: James Glickenhaus

Starring: Peter Weller, Richard Brooks, Antonio Fargas, John C. McGinley, and Sam Elliot

When drug dealer Michael Jones (Brooks) shoots a corrupt cop in New York’s Central Park one night, it falls on idealistic, Jimi Hendrix-loving attorney Roland Dalton (Weller) to defend him. But things get far more complicated when Dalton must team up with an undercover, unorthodox cop, Richie Marks (Elliott) to get to the truth behind all the corrupt cops, drug dealers, thugs and goons. And in a plot device later used, interestingly enough, in Night Of The Wilding (1990), the prosecutor on the Jones case is Roland’s former girlfriend.

What’s great about Shakedown is that it is not mindless. It has real characters in realistic settings. You grow to appreciate both Dalton and Marks. It’s a legal drama but it is filled with action as well - the legal side represented by Peter Weller and the action side by Sam Elliott, who should have appeared in more movies like this. Weller makes plenty of funny faces along with his more normal interpretation of Dalton, the baby boomer attorney. Another name, Antonio Fargas shows up, but the fairly fast pace doesn’t allow for him to stay around long. Richard Brooks would later be on the other side of the law on Law & Order.

Another noteworthy aspect of this movie is its excellent New York City locations. A lot of scenes were filmed on the famed 42nd street, right before the city was cleaned up. There are plenty of movie marquees on show, everything from X-rated material to movies like The Hidden (1987) and Fatal Beauty, 1987 (also starring Elliott). You can see the famous Lyric theater, among others. As part of Marks’ undercover work, he hides out in a theater watching the Glickenhaus movie The Soldier, 1982 (which you can also see posters for in the lobby). It’s great to see all this stuff. We’re very glad it was preserved here, intentionally or not.

The seamy, New York, 80’s atmosphere, along with the quality stunts, largely good acting combined with a story about adults (no stupid kids are involved) puts Shakedown way above the pack.

Featuring the tune “Lookin’ For Love” by Nikki Ryder, Shakedown is well worth seeking out.

Also check out our friends write-ups of Shakedown: Direct To Video Connoisseur and Explosive Action!

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

A Better Way To Die (2000)

2012-02-01T07:07:00.000-05:00

A Better Way To Die (2000)-*1\2

Directed by: Scott Wiper

Starring: Scott Wiper, Natasha Henstridge, Wayne Duvall, B'Nard Lewis, Carmen Argenziano, Joe Pantoliano, and Lou Diamond Phillips

"Some things are worth living for..."

Boomer (Wiper) is a young Chicago cop that gets mixed up in a war between federal agents, such as Dexter (Phillips), and shady gangsters and criminals, such as Cleveland (Braugher) who want a special computer chip. Apparently this chip contains sensitive information that leads all the way to the top. So Boomer ends up on a road trip of sorts, dodging dangers at every turn, and meeting wacky characters such as Flash (Pantoliano, not Jeff Kutash). All he wants to do is propose to his beautiful girlfriend Kelly (which is probably a decent idea considering it is puzzling why a woman of this caliber is with this dork in the first place)...but, as they say, life has other plans...

It seems, since the 2000’s, the term “Direct to Video” is synonymous with this type of production - a not-quite-movie-theater-quality, run of the mill, post-Tarantino crime thriller that relies more on cursing in the dialogue than on good ideas. This is a shame, DTV used to encompass all sorts of things, not the least of which was punchfighting movies. But, alas, this relatively new form of entertainment has paved the way for such personalities as Scott Wiper, a man whose career would not exist were it not for the miracle of DTV productions.

Despite the good cast, don’t be fooled. This is some sort of vanity project for the aforementioned Mr. Wiper. Just because he wrote The Last Marshal (1999), now he feels he’s entitled to write, direct and star in his own project, leaving the real stars in the background. Well, you’re no Scott Glenn, sir. (Note snarky attitude). Lou Diamond Phillips and Wiper should have switched roles. But we’re left with the unlikable Wiper, who appears to be some sort of irritating cross between Edward Burns and Ben Affleck.

At the outset, it appears we’re in for a low-budget, gritty crime drama that’s at least striving for some measure of quality. Sadly, the “irony” sets in and we realize we’re in sub-Boondock Saints (1999) territory once again. Of course, why that movie has a gigantic following and was even re-released back into the theaters (an unheard-of move) while A Better Way to Die and its ilk are unnoticed by these same “fanatics” is unknown.

This movie is not impressive, although the (unfortunately) supporting cast tries their best. Henstridge has never looked better, but that’s not nearly enough to save this dud. Regrettably, a Better Way to Die is a waste of the talents of LDP, Braugher, Pantoliano, Henstridge and Sweet Lou (B’Nard Lewis). Avoid.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Hardcase and Fist (1989)

2012-01-30T07:40:00.000-05:00

Hardcase and Fist (1989)-***

Directed by: Tony Zarindast

Starring: Ted Prior, Carter Wong, Christina Lunde, Vincent Barbi, Tony Zarindast, and Beano

Bud McCall (Prior) is a good cop. But he was framed on a drug charge and sent to prison. The only person that believes he’s innocent is his hot wife Sharon (Lunde). His cellmate turns out to be none other than Eddy Lee (Wong), a trained Martial Artist. Bud’s main goal is to testify against Vincent Ciccetti (Barbi), the man that put him in prison. That would end his nefarious Mafia dealings, as well as clear Bud’s good name. To prevent this from happening, Ciccetti sends out crime lord Tony Marino (Zarindast) and his goons to take down Bud. However, Tony and Bud were in ‘Nam together and have a history. So who will win out: The gangsters over here, the gangsters over there, or the newest, most heroic crimefighting duo in town: HARDCASE AND FIST?

Not to be confused with Hardcastle and McCormick, from the opening shot of Hardcase and Fist, you know you’re in for a completely inept treat. The amateurish cinematic stylings of Tony Zarindast must be seen. While he doesn’t quite reach the heights of fellow traveler Amir Shervan, Zarindast certainly creates a silly world of his own, probably unintentionally.

Ted Prior, in a fairly unusual non-AIP role, has a killer mullet and also sports a beard, which is a change for him. He has strong screen presence as always, but he whispers/mumbles his lines. Add to that the fact that Carter Wong has serious issues with the English language, as does Zarindast, and the sound on this movie is horrible (it sounds like the actors are in a tin can in a bathroom). So from an audio standpoint, Hardcase and Fist leaves a lot to be desired. On the pure stupidity factor, this movie is pretty high up there - for the prison sections of the film, try to imagine a DUMBER Bloodfist 3 (1992). Let’s just put it this way: The warden’s name is Borden. That’s right, Warden Borden. The sight of this man certainly would strike fear into the heart of any new prisoner.

As far as Carter Wong is concerned, despite his English deficiencies, he more than makes up for it with a panoply of hilarious faces and gestures, not to mention noises. It seems he can’t hit an opponent without belting out a hearty “Bllooooaaeeeeeaahhhh!!!!” As far as his acting ability, he’s from the same school as Leo Fong and Don "The Dragon" Wilson in the wooden-monotone sweepstakes. However, it’s great company to be in. Plus, there’s a pre-Mike Tyson ear bite. So...there’s that.

The eternal question of who exactly was the boss on “Who’s The Boss?” kept viewers debating for years with their own theories, which kept the show going in the hearts and minds of viewers for decades, ensuring its longevity. It truly was a shrewd move for the writers of that show. Truly Tony Zarindast had the same ploy in mind for the power-team of Hardcase and Fist, because it is never actually explained who is Hardcase and who is Fist. Neither of those names are uttered in the movie. So its up for viewer debate: Is Ted Prior Hardcase? Or is he Fist? What about Carter Wong? He makes a good (hard)case for having the title of Fist...or maybe it’s a surprise move: TONY ZARINDAST! Or maybe it’s Beano as Bruno (don’t you dare confuse them). We welcome your theories on why you think who is who.

Other highlights include a killer aerobics scene (we’re suckers for those) and the great song by Debbie Tucciarone, “I’ll Be Coming Back”. Also, Fritz Matthews is credited as a stuntman.

For a funny, ridiculous good time that only could have been confected in the golden year of 1989, and released by Forum on VHS back in the day, don’t hesitate to pick up Hardcase and Fist.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Strike Commando (1987)

2012-01-27T06:50:00.000-05:00

Strike Commando (1987)-****

Directed by: Bruno Mattei

Starring: Reb Brown, Edison Navarro, Luciano Pigozzi, Alex Vitale, and Christopher Connelly

"He's A War Machine on the Warpath!"

Sgt. Michael Ransom (Brown) is THE BEST. He’s the finest example of an American soldier...maybe ever. He goes behind enemy lines to rescue some Vietnamese civilians, and even becomes friends with a young boy, Lao (Edison Navarro). His guide in this rough terrain is Frenchman Le Due (Pigozzi) - but maniacally evil Russian Jakoda (Vitale) will stop at nothing until he tortures and kills his nemesis, the “Americanski”. And even though Col. Radek (Connelly) may have suspicious motives, nothing, and we mean NOTHING - will stop this true American hero from getting revenge on the baddies. One way or another, you WILL pay Ransom.

Now THIS is what Comeuppance Reviews, as a website and as an overall entity in the universe, is all about. Ignore anything negative you may have read about this great movie. For pure, uncut, unadulterated entertainment, this level of awesomeness is possibly only rivaled by Deadly Prey (1987). This movie gives jungle action movies a GOOD name. It has countless, high-quality explosions, guard tower blow-ups/falls, non-stop action, stunts, and shooting, waterfalls, and of course the prerequisite torture scene. But it has a ton of weird/funny/off-kilter moments that truly make it rise above the pack. We won’t spoil them for you here, but trust us, you will love this movie and you have to find it if you don’t already own it.

While we also strongly support the later collaboration between the great Reb Brown and director Bruno Mattei, Robowar (1989), we believe this is the superior team-up of the two men. If you can’t get enough of that trademark Reb scream, you won’t be disappointed, as he really yells it up here. That includes a specific line reading of his enemy’s name, “Jakoda”, that you won’t soon forget. Probably because your ears will be ringing for days afterwards. But yet, Reb displays his sensitive side here too. For all his ultra-macho shirtless carnage, his relationship with Lao is tender and even tear-jerking. Lao wants to go to Disneyland where the popcorn grows on trees. For some reason, this really appeals to him. But, you see, Ransom is not an inhuman monster like Jakoda. He may have killed a few thousand people, but he’s a real human being who you grow to love. You definitely want Ransom on your side. God help you if you get on his bad side.

Like Jungle Assault (1989), the soundtrack is inappropriately 80’s (it being the Vietnam war and all) - but here the music cues are just so great it doesn’t even matter. The soundtrack by Lou Ceccarelli is pure genius. It features a killer opening song and it doesn’t stop there. Nintendo was huge at the time, and the music plus the action is almost like a live-action Contra movie. It truly is violent 80’s heaven that you can really sink your teeth into. Is there a CD of this?

The worst thing you could say about this masterpiece is that the editing can be a bit choppy at times, but even that adds to the overall charm. Strike Commando delivers the goods in spades. Rock on!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Death Of A Soldier (1986)

2012-01-25T08:14:00.000-05:00

Death Of A Soldier (1986)-***

Directed by: Phillipe Mora

Starring: Reb Brown, James Coburn, Bill Hunter and Maurie Fields

In Melbourne, Australia, in 1942, World War II is raging. Thousands of U.S. servicemen are in Australia to help combat the Japanese. But there’s a black sheep among the many uniformed soldiers: Private Eddie Leonski (Brown). It seems Leonski has strangled three local women. This is causing big problems between the Australians and the Americans, who seem only to have an uneasy alliance as it is. This incident could damage relations so badly, the Americans might have to leave, allowing some Japanese victory. So detectives Adams and Martin (Hunter and Fields, respectively), are civilians trying to catch the killer, while the U.S. army is also trying to find him. Among those who want Leonski’s head is Maj. Dannenberg (Coburn). But due to a twist of fate, Dannenberg must defend Leonski when the case goes to trial. Dannenberg then begins to believe that Leonski might not be fit to stand trial, even though many forces want to make him a sacrificial lamb to save face. Will there really be a DEATH OF A SOLDIER?

Death Of A Soldier isn’t the typical type of film we review - but we checked it out because it stars fan favorite Reb Brown. We’re certainly glad we did, as the film, which is based on a true story, is well-thought out and well-nuanced. It has great period detail in the production design, but also from a scriptwriting perspective, it explores the tensions between the Australians and Americans during a time when everyone was on edge, but without showing either side as a caricature. The movie gets into moral, legal, political and personal sides to the Leonski case in a way that is skillful and never jumbled. Truly this is a movie worth seeing.

Reb Brown is perfectly cast as the big lummox Leonski. One minute he’s sweet and innocent, another he’s a menacing serial killer. He plays the role with a lot of sensitivity and understanding. It really shows that Brown can act and should have had the starring role in more movies. Those who only know him from his more meathead-y roles should really see his fine performance here. Even still, in this more “serious” role, he does his trademark scream. But to counterbalance his more wild side, he also sings. James Coburn puts in a very human performance as well, and his weighty presence anchors the movie. We also loved the perpetually grumpy Australian cops, and pretty much everyone involved fits and does a great job.

When we first found this movie, we thought that because it is a movie that came out on VHS in the 80’s and had Reb Brown, it was going to be a Vietnam shoot ‘em up. But really it’s a quality mystery-drama. But it even has some mild horror elements. Leonski compares himself to Jekyll and Hyde, specifically pointing to a movie poster for the Spencer Tracy version of the film. Further driving home the theme of the psyche with two sides, he also compares himself to a werewolf. Interestingly, director Philippe Mora the next year directed Howling III (1987) - and Reb himself was in Howling II (1985). Coincidence? But Mora uses close-ups (an especially memorable one of Frank Thring of Man From Hong Kong, 1975 fame stands out) and odd angles to flesh out the story of Leonski psychologically. It’s a shame he went from well-handled material like this to utter dreck like Mercenary 2 (1999). It happens, we suppose.

Released on Key Video here in the U.S., Death Of A Soldier is recommended, simply because it’s a well-made historical drama that’s thought-provoking. And where else will you see Reb Brown and James Coburn together?

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Robowar (1989)

2012-01-23T07:20:00.000-05:00

Robowar (1989)-****

Directed by: Bruno Mattei

Starring: Reb Brown, Cathrine Hickland, Max Laurel, and Jim Gaines

Major Murphy Black (Reb) and his team are sent into the jungles of the Philippines to track down and destroy a rogue robot.

Much has been made that this is just an Italian knockoff of Predator (1987) and Robocop (1987) (but especially Predator)...that’s all well and good, but, that aside, is this movie worth seeing? The answer is definitely yes! For a movie with almost no plot, it‘s surprisingly fast-paced, and rather than have a lot of dialogue, it’s mainly yelling and shooting machine guns. However, there are some gems, such as “You walk like a ruptured duck!”. Maybe something was lost in translation, but we’re sure glad it was. There are other silly one-liners, but this was our favorite.

Fan-favorite Reb Brown is out in force here - looking especially ripped in his child-size half-shirt, he gets to command his team with his trademark screams. But let’s not forget about the cool nicknames of the people he’s stranded in the jungle with - “Blood”, “The Hunter” and “Papa Doc”. Naturally, they were picked for this mission because they’re “The Best”. As for the robot, we get some pixelated “robo-vision”, and it seems like a guy in a motorcycle outfit. But he also has a confused, scrambled, “robo-voice” as well, which seems heavily influenced by Buck Rogers’ Twiki and his famous “bidi bidi bidi”. It doesn’t exactly inspire terror, but hey, who’s to say how we’d feel if we were in that situation?

As if this wasn’t awesome enough, the robot can shoot lasers. Of course, they’re of the “pew pew” variety! That alone raises the coolness quotient of this movie. And because this never received a VHS release in America (maybe they didn’t want to roll the dice with rights issues?), we were sadly deprived of this minor gem in the 80’s and 90’s. Honestly, it’s still pretty hard to find, presumably having been released largely in Japan and Italy, and we thank Sutekh over at Explosive Action for hooking us up with a copy.

If you ever wished Predator was an Italian-made Exploding Hut movie shot in the Philippines, and had a robot instead of a “Predator”, this is surely the movie for you. Featuring a great synth score by Al Festa and released in the golden year of 1989, Robowar is shameless...ly entertaining fun.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Killing Streets (1991)

2012-01-20T06:26:00.000-05:00

Killing Streets (1991)-**

Directed by: Stephen Cornwell

Starring: Michael Pare, Jennifer Runyon, and Lorenzo Lamas

Chris Brandt (Pare) is a high school basketball coach from Ohio. His brother Craig (also Pare) is a Marine who was kidnapped by Lebanese terrorists. Running into a wall of red tape from the government, Chris travels to Lebanon to fight the baddies and rescue his brother. Once in Lebanon, he teams up with the classic wacky taxi driver to get results. He also finds time for a romance with government employee Sandra Ross (Runyon). But Charlie Wolff (Lamas) keeps telling Chris to go away and mind his own business. Will the Brandt brothers make it out of the middle east alive?

Here we have some classic Michael Pare woodenness - times two! Anyone who’s seen any of the five Van Damme movies where he plays a dual role knows that it’s done in the classic “Patty Duke Show” way where you see the back of one’s head, etc. Double Impact (1991) is probably the best example of that. But like we said for that film, “Double the Van Damme, Double the Running Time”, and that’s exactly the case here. Killing Streets is way too long at almost two hours. This extensive length not only tests the audience’s patience, but we would care more about the proceedings if it was at a sensible running time. But our theory about this is, movies like Killing Streets are primarily made for overseas audiences, especially in depressed countries. These people don’t want to go back to their miserable lives, so every second counts when they’re sitting in a darkened theater trying to forget their troubles. So they demand longer movies as a longer escape. And Golan (of Golan & Globus fame) certainly delivers that.

Pare looks like Michael J. Fox as Alex P. Keaton, Lorenzo Lamas doesn’t do all that much but he has a spiffy haircut and an unnecessary southern accent, and the wacky taxi driver is a little less wacky this time around. The main baddie should have been MORE of a baddie, and he also should have been played by Adrien Brody. Killing Streets is an exact cross of two other Pare vehicles: Deadly Heroes (1993) and Instant Justice. It has the same middle east locations as Heroes but almost the same plot as Justice. In Instant Justice (1986) he’s looking for his sister. In Killing Streets he’s looking for his brother. Did they think fans wouldn’t notice the difference?

Interestingly, BJ Davis of Laser Mission (1989) and White Ghost (1988) fame was the stunt coordinator and 2nd unit director on this film. And what action there is, is good - there should have been more of it. But they should have cut a lot of other stuff to make room for it. Don’t get us wrong, there are some cool parts in Killing Streets, but it’s an 85 minute plot stretched out to the breaking point.

Killing Streets isn’t bad, it’s just too long.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Short Fuse (1986)

2012-01-17T07:27:00.002-05:00

Short Fuse (1986)-***

AKA: Good To Go

Directed by: Blaine Novak

Starring: Art Garfunkel, Harris Yulin, Robert DoQui, and Richard Brooks

In Washington, D.C. in the 1980’s, Go-Go music was huge. Go-Go is an urban cross between funk, R&B, soul and dance music with extended songs meant for the largely African-American audiences to dance the night away to. Some of the most famous practitioners of this genre of music include Trouble Funk, Redd & The Boys, and Chuck Brown and the Soul Searchers. Max (DoQui) is a music impresario and label head who is trying to make this music go global and has a large record deal in the works for Redd & The Boys. Spoiling this dream, a rape and murder occurs outside a club that caters to the music, called, you guessed it, The Go-Go. Or did it? Trying to get to the truth, alcoholic newspaper reporter S.D. Blass (Garfunkel) calls Chief Harrigan of the local police precinct. Harrigan leads Blass to believe Chemist (Brooks) was involved in the crime. But along the way, Blass befriends Chemist’s little brother Beats (Daughtry) and begins to question Harrigan and his motivations. After a lot of chaos and confusion, Blass begins to sort things out - but he’s going to have to do it fast before a race riot occurs in D.C. Can he do it?

Please read in a gravelly, portentous, gravely serious Don LaFontaine-like movie trailer announcer voice: Art Garfunkel. Has a: SHORT FUSE. Coming this summer. When we think of actors that could be chosen for the lead role in a movie entitled Short Fuse, names like Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson or Jason Statham come to mind. But for some reason yet to be fathomed by mankind, they chose noted badass Art Garfunkel for the role. And true to form, in this movie he’s such a wet noodle that he makes Toby from The Office look like The Ultimate Warrior. But in all fairness, this movie was originally titled Good To Go (and characters do say that a lot and there’s a song of the same name on the soundtrack as well). Adding weirdness to inappropriateness, the main thrust of this movie is urban, street-level crime, in the era of boomboxes, graffiti and Kangol hats. Again...Art Garfunkel? But seriously, we could see what they were thinking because “Bridge Over Troubled Water” has some fresh beats.

And if they were so gung-ho for Garfunkel, why hire Harris Yulin as the only other White guy in the cast? They look very, very similar. So much so it’s hard to tell them apart in some scenes. But the tell is Garfunkel’s bizarre combover. It makes Donald Trump’s look positively normal by comparison. Plus the movie has a lot of product placement for Pepsi. It’s practically a 90-minute commercial for Pepsi. But it’s hard to imagine the Pepsi people being very happy that a movie about a drug-fuelled rape and murder with a bunch of shootouts and car crashes is so tied in with their product. That observation aside, by far the best thing about Short Fuse is not, as you might expect, the length of the fuse of one Arthur Ira Garfunkel. It’s the music!

In all seriousness, the soundtrack and the live performances are uniformly excellent. All the bands mentioned above are excellent, both musically and from a showmanship perspective. We really were dancing in our seats! As a concert film documenting the Go-Go phenomenon, Short Fuse is actually an important “Art”-ifact. Robert DoQui, who was in Diplomatic Immunity (1991), and resembles Richard Roundtree but is an accomplished actor in his own right, is always worth seeing, as is future Law & Order star Richard Brooks, who also appeared in Shakedown (1988). Short Fuse is listed in some sources as a “concert drama” and seems to be little-seen, even though it was released on the Vidmark label. But the cast, as well as the musical performances keep it from ever getting boring.

Witness Art put the “funk” in “Garfunkel” and watch this oddity today!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Ultimate Fight (1998)

2012-01-14T12:51:00.000-05:00

The Ultimate Fight (1998)-*1\2

Directed by: Ernie Reyes Jr.

Starring: Ernie Reyes Jr., Corin Nemec, Ernie Reyes Sr., and Kimo

When Pinoy (Inocalla), a Martial Arts fighter, leaves his home country of the Philippines for the first time and heads to Seattle in America, he gets more than he bargains for. He ends up meeting Jesse (Reyes Jr.) and befriending him, and ends up in his circle of buddies, all of whom love Martial Arts. But there’s a problem: a man who just happens to be named Hitler (Nemec) is a cross-dressing drug kingpin who is using the Crazy Dragons gang to do his bidding. Hitler’s bodyguard is one Kimo (Kimo), a guy who isn’t afraid to use his scary bulk at the drop of a hat. Eventually, Jesse and his buddies must face off against the Crazy Dragons and stop Hitler’s drug running. Can they do it?

With the storyline of the rural Asian fighter coming to the big city and impressing everyone with his skills, try to imagine a much, much, MUCH stupider Ong Bak (2003). The Ultimate Fight is an extremely amateurish, even babyish movie. With its many scenes in the backyard (or interior) of a house, it seems like if you gave a 5 year old a crayon and paper and asked him to write a movie script, and the kid was into Karate, this movie would be the result. The Ultimate Fight suffers from many things: its low budget, a horrendously written script, stilted performances and disjointed editing. We seriously want to give every benefit of the doubt to this movie, but the weight of its sheer dumbness is overwhelming.

As for Corin Nemec...maybe Parker Lewis couldn’t lose, but Nemec certainly can. His self-consciously “wacky” performance is not quirky, it’s just annoying. His over-the-top mugging gets tiresome fast. His hand movements even have that cartoonish “whooshing” sound, but it’s just insulting to Isaac Florentine. But it might be all worth it for a scene where he’s talking to his African-American drug associate on the phone, and he says, in a cool, casual and laid-back tone, “Hitler, my man.” It’s not everyday you hear those words coming from a Black man. Nemec’s performance might be at home in a Troma movie. To see an awesomely OTT performance, check out Sam Jones in In Gold We Trust (1991).

In the positives column, there is some cool Martial Arts, including some stick-fighting, and they even use the term Arnis, which we learned when we watched the movie of that name. There are a couple of classic meatheads, including a goon with a face so square he gives Howie Long a run for his money. There’s a scene in a game room which is cool because our hero uses all the things in the room to fight the baddies, including a pair of cleats, leading to the new phenomena of “Cleatfighting”. In the plot department, there’s some half-hearted attempts to add some Jesus references, but none of that makes much sense. But that’s the overall problem. The Ultimate Fight becomes hard to watch because it’s not really a cohesive movie, it’s more a collection of random scenes that aren’t connected to anything.

This movie was originally entitled The Process, and when you watch it that makes sense because characters say those words many times. But it was retitled to cash in on the emergence of UFC at the time, which Kimo was involved in. The box art features the classic The Wild Pair (1987)-esque formula of son-funny name-father: in that case it was Beau Bridges-Bubba Smith-Lloyd Bridges, now it’s Ernie Reyes Jr.-Kimo-Ernie Reyes Sr. Plus the tape is printed in this weird gloss that makes it hard to read, but somehow they managed to paint/superimpose a knife in the hand of a certain character. But it’s not all bad, as there is a trailer on the tape for the Steve Guttenberg vehicle Airborne (1998).

We can’t wholeheartedly recommend it, but The Ultimate Fight might work for you if you’re in dire need of some “Kimo-therapy.”

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

City Limits (1984)

2012-01-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

City Limits (1984)-*

Directed by: Aaron Lipstadt

Starring: John Stockwell, Rae Dawn Chong, Robby Benson, Kim Cattrall, Darrel Larson, and James Earl Jones

In the future, two rival gangs are vying for turf: the Clippers and the DA’s. Lee (Stockwell) leaves his rural life behind and heads to the big city to be part of the action, and gets embroiled in the gang warfare. Mainly this includes riding around on modified motorbikes and wearing silly outfits. But their masks are pretty cool. Even more trouble forms in the guise of Carver (Benson) who wants to control the city, or possibly the world, and is willing to use the gangs towards his evil ends, even pitting them against each other. Will Lee and his buddies prevail?

At the outset of this movie, we’re informed that what we’re seeing is “fifteen years from now”, but the Vestron VHS box tells us the movie takes place in the distant future of 2003. But one character’s Masters of the Universe (1987) coat really tells us what decade we’re in. But apparently Steven Seagal’s personal style had an impact, as a lot of people in the future wear fringed jackets. While City Limits isn’t quite in Shredder Orpheus (1990) territory, it is a bit reminiscent of Wired To Kill (1986). These are not favorable comparisons, as this movie seems like it could have been directed by Albert Pyun. When are filmmakers going to learn that annoying characters doing annoying things does not a movie make, and you cannot skip character development. Isn’t that movie-making 101?

This movie makes no sense, and it’s hard to imagine anyone, whilst making it, thinking it was a good idea, much less NOT a total waste of everyone’s time, but here you go. It’s total shelf-filler tailor made for the expanding video store market in the 80’s. It seems only the Italians can make entertaining post-apocalyptic movies. Basketball fans may get a kick out of the fact that one of the roving street gangs in this movie are called the Clippers, but it falls on deaf ears for mostly everyone else, including us. Also Robby Benson does what we call a “sit-down” role, where a character never moves from his seat.

Why did James Earl Jones agree to be in this? Sure, this movie may be boring, pointless and adds nothing new whatsoever to the post-apocalyptic genre, but the filmmakers were shrewd enough to realize Jones has a commanding voice, so they had him narrate this slog. Seeing as how it was the 80’s, and JEJ wears this brown fur coat in the movie, and how he’s the narrator of course, only one thing comes to mind: Teddy Ruxpin. But this movie is an insult to Mr. Ruxpin as whoever wrote the cassette that was placed in James Earl Jones did a horrible job. Only Jones’ professionalism prevails.

It’s easy to see why MST3K chose to do this movie. It’s just weak on pretty much every level.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)

2012-01-11T07:49:00.000-05:00

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)-***

Directed by: Sam Firstenberg

Starring: Michael Dudikoff, Steve James, Larry Poindexter, Michelle Botes, Gary Conway, and Jeff Celentaro

It’s easy to see why people have such fond memories of the American Ninja series after watching this enjoyable movie.

Sgt. Joe Armstrong (The Dude) and Sgt. Curtis Jackson (James) return, this time sent to a Caribbean island to find some missing Marines. What they find defies all their expectations, as the super-evil villain known as “The Lion” (Conway) is breeding a new race of genetically-modified superninjas. Now Armstrong and Jackson must fight their way through them to save the day, and shut down the nefarious operation. Can they do it?

Because it takes place in a sun-drenched location, the visuals are bright and appealing. When our two heroes fight the evil ninjas, they don’t need a lot of fancy tools and tricks - just, in the case of Jackson, red shorts, and Armstrong, a Body Glove wetsuit. This REAL sequel (as opposed to the miserable American Ninja 5, 1993 thankfully Cannon didn‘t decide to go all “30% new footage” on us) delivers the goods, as it doesn’t retread the first film, but still provides all the best elements that fans want to see: cool stunts, well-timed moves, barfights, chases, blow-ups, tasteful humor, and Dudikoff’s cool hair. It certainly goes in the right direction, as the alley fight sequence about 48 minutes in proves.

It was the 80’s, and the idea to set the movie in “paradise” (supposedly “The Lion” owns a place called “Blackbeard Island”) was a natural one. You have to remember, this was at the height of party-animalism. People were cutting loose. Now add to that some out-and-out ninja fighting, and the chemistry between Dudikoff and James and you have a winner. The icing on the cake is the violence, which is brutal at times, but it’s FUN brutality. The whole movie has a sense of fun to it, which is refreshing, and due in large part to the underrated Steve James. He looks like he’s having a blast. James should be more well-known by the general public.

While the movie is highly entertaining, the worst thing you can say about it is that it hits a bit of a slump pre-climax. It’s a fairly common problem, but the sawdust-covered arena where the final battle takes place is an ideal location for the inevitable “Confrontation” we were promised in the movie’s subtitle.

The time flies by as you watch American Ninja 2 because it satisfies all your action needs. If you haven’t already, pick it up today!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Airborne (1998)

2012-01-09T07:40:00.000-05:00

Airborne (1998)-**

Directed by: Julian Grant

Starring: Steve Guttenberg, Kim Coates, Colm Feore, Torri Higginson, Philip Akin, and Sean Bean

"Pray It Doesn't Land..."

Bill McNeil (Guttenberg) is the head of a Special Ops team known as “Mach 1”. His compatriots are Sara Gemmel (Higginson) and Romeo Cortez (Akin). There’s an evil canister with an evil virus that a lot of evil people want to do evil things with. Head of said evildoers is the ominously-named Dave Toombs (Bean). When certain people end up dead, McNeil thinks it may be an inside job. So he goes on the run with Gemmel to get to the truth. Also Colm Feore and Kim Coates are on board.

Airborne is an unintentional (?) laugh riot. One of the main things that makes it funny is not just the presence of Steve Guttenberg, but his gruff, overly-serious performance. Obviously trying to shed his Police Academy “Mahoney” image, The Gute opts for an unshaven, laconic, cliche-action-hero style. Just check out the way he does a simple task like answer the phone. The phone rings. There is a pregnant pause as Gute takes the phone off the receiver. There is another pregnant pause before he speaks. Then, in a low, portentous, drawn-out tone, and speaking as if his throat is filled with gravel, he simply says, “Yeah”. While it may seem like nothing, this scene brought the house down with laughs. So that’s a microcosm of what to expect in Airborne, the movie that takes itself wildly seriously, even though it’s a shot-in-Canada, cliche-ridden turkey with bad sound, low production values and CGI airplanes.

In fact, while there is low-key, “smoldering” (harsher minds might say “emotionless”) acting by just about everyone involved, the movie could have used more Sean Bean. He is a bright spot in this dour production, and Kim Coates also tries to inject any energy he can, but it’s to no avail. You’d think the power team of Steve Guttenberg facing off against Sean Bean is the match-up the world has been waiting for - and it clearly is - but somehow Airborne doesn’t capitalize on this meeting.

And while Gute’s co-star Higginson resembles a DTV Sigourney Weaver, it’s hard for her to compete with his slow-motion, “cool” walking and other “cool” activities like putting on/taking off sunglasses. In fact, the importance he places on this action predates David Caruso and CSI.

Plus you know it’s the 90’s because of the high-waisted jeans and unnecessary, Tarantino-esque cultural references. Also Sean Bean has an intimidating bad-guy mullet. But the Mach 1 team wears some impressive outfits: helmets that look like they are from the 80’s Laser Tag competitor Photon, and head-to-toe spandex. There’s one disturbing scene in particular where Guttenberg’s spandex pants don’t leave much to the imagination and...yecccchhh.

So while wags might say this is just another stupid, brainless ripoff of The Rock (1996) that is so riddled with cliches it can’t possibly add anything new to the genre, we say it’s the most dramatic retelling of the story of how that teacher invented his own cold medication yet put to film.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

American Ninja 5 (1993)

2012-01-06T07:42:00.000-05:00

American Ninja 5 (1993)-*

Directed by: Bobby Gene Leonard

Starring: David Bradley, Pat Morita, Lee Reyes, Anne Dupont, Clement von Franckenstein, and James Lew

Did you know there is an American Ninja FIVE? Apparently there is, even though it was meant to be something called American Dragons and perhaps they didn’t want to confuse it with the other, better movie of the same name.

In this anti-climactic ending to the American Ninja franchise, David Bradley plays Joe Kastle (not Armstrong as in prior A.N. films), a guy who lives on a boat and likes to work out. One day, Master Tetsu (Morita) pawns off his “grand-nephew” Hiro (Reyes) on Joe and leaves to go to Greece for a vacation. While Joe is learning to cope with babysitting this annoying brat, it turns out that his new girlfriend Lisa (Dupont) is kidnapped by the evil Viper (Lew) and his gang of ninjas. Viper works for the nefarious Glock (von Franckenstein), a man who is using scientists to develop an insecticide named ZB-12. Lisa’s father is a scientist but refuses to work on the potentially dangerous project. So Joe and Hiro must go through a bunch of travails in Venezuela to rescue Lisa who is kidnapped there. Along the way, Joe and Hiro forge a friendship based on the ways of the ninja.

Rather than be loyal to the fans that have followed the series through the years, Cannon pawns this juvenile, watered-down, PG-13 rated dreck on the audience like Pat Morita does his bratty relative onto David Bradley in this patience-testing exercise.

Bradley is likable enough and he looks like a young Craig Ferguson, although he is your classic action movie dum-dum. His young foil is another matter. Hiro is a precocious 12 year old whose presence in this movie is not needed. He says “whoa!” while Bradley fights the baddies, who are purple, green, and white ninjas, as if this was a video game. Speaking of which, Hiro’s Game Gear plays a surprisingly big role in this film. Hiro has a matching Miami Dolphins baseball cap/coat and, sadly, brings this movie into the current “ADD generation”.

The movie as a whole could have been better, even if it was aiming more for the family market, but this Hiro kid gets on your nerves. Plus the whole daughter/scientist father aspect was already done in American Ninja 2 (1987). Couldn’t they come up with something new? It’s director Leonard’s only movie to date and you think he would be familiar with past entries in the series, but maybe he never watched them. That’s certainly what it seems like; he didn’t try to impress with his knowledge of past A.N.‘s, that’s for sure...which seems odd. Having American Ninja 5 be the only movie on your resume is indeed a bizarre way to enter movie history. The whole Karate Kid aspect of the film is even further enhanced by the presence of Pat Morita. Did any kid ever see this movie...ever?

The baddies are more interesting, as Glock strongly resembles Bernie Madoff and James Lew’s entrances and exits are by far the best part of this movie. It’s here that this film becomes utterly absurd. They should have gone in that direction more, if you see the movie you’ll know what we mean.

The jaunty flute music enhances the mild nature of the proceedings, and it’s unfortunate that the mighty American Ninja franchise fell victim to the old sitcom trick of “Addakid”, that is, when all the sitcom kids grow up and aren’t cute anymore, to simply add a newer, younger, cuter kid regardless of whether it makes sense plotwise. It’s an ignominious way for this beloved series to go.

Even though this movie came out in 1993, it looks and seems older, but maybe that’s because it’s pretty lame and impotent, not to mention way overlong.

You’d have to be a die-hard fan of the American Ninja films or any of the actors involved to sit through this insult to people who followed the original four films in this series.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Death Wish V: The Face Of Death (1994)

2012-01-04T07:10:00.000-05:00

Death Wish V: The Face Of Death (1994)-***

Directed by: Allan A. Goldstein

Starring: Charles Bronson, Lesley-Anne Down, Robert Joy, Kevin Lund, Kenneth Welsh, Erica Fairfield, Chuck Shamata, Miguel Sandoval, Saul Rubinek, and Michael Parks

It seems things are finally going right for Paul Kersey (Bronson). Far from his past troubles, he’s now in the witness protection program, assuming the pseudonym Paul Stuart and the role of architecture professor. He’s engaged to the lovely and successful fashion designer Olivia Regent (Down), and enjoys a great relationship with her young daughter Chelsea (Fairfield). But, once again, problems arise as super-evil gangster Tommy O’Shea (Parks) and his gang of thugs want control of the fashion house, and, oddly, Tommy is Chelsea’s father and wants to take her away. After several events push him to the breaking point, Kersey dispenses his own brand of justice on the bad guys.

Judging by his relationship with Lesley-Anne Down, Paul Kersey’s still “got it”, even at his advanced age. Because the movie is a series of murders surrounding a fashion house, it is reminiscent of the Mario Bava classic Blood and Black Lace. Interestingly, neither in the opening credits or the movie’s trailer is the number five or “V” shown. It simply says “Death Wish: The Face of Death”. The filmmakers were clearly trying to distance themselves from the fact this series, like the aforementioned Bronson, is also reaching an advanced age. Possibly because of this, the filmmakers were forced to make the deaths more creative, so it’s not just shooting all the time. Paul Kersey actually wields that most sinister of all instruments of death: a remote-control exploding soccer ball. Because of this, Kersey’s antics are more reminiscent of Kevin’s injury (or perhaps death)-inducing “pranks” in the Home Alone series.

Luckily, however, the movie has a really good pace and is entertaining, so it goes by in a flash. Helping that is Michael Parks as O’Shea, who resembles Adam West, and his goons, such as Chicki (Lund) and all the other baddies who all let out silly yells during the action scenes. Adding to the silly factor, besides some of the deaths and yelling, is the fact that it is Canada masquerading as New York.

It was trying for low key, but some of the more ridiculous deaths go against that. We noticed some abrupt cutting during some of the death scenes - we’re not sure, but there is a chance the U.S. DVD is cut.

So, despite some of its sillier elements, Death Wish V: The Face of Death is actually a briskly-paced movie with some pleasantly-familiar faces, and of course it has a strong pro-revenge philosophy behind it. It’s good stuff, especially if you’re in a mood that is leaning towards the more cartoonish side of things.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out our buddy, Direct To Video Connoisseur's review.

Hollywood Cop (1987)

2012-01-02T07:48:00.000-05:00

Hollywood Cop (1987)-****

Directed by: Amir Shervan

Starring: James Mitchum, David Goss, Brandon Angle, Julie Schoenhofer, Aldo Ray, Lincoln Kilpatrick, and Cameron Mitchell

John “Turky” Turquoise III (Goss) is the titular Hollywood cop, and you better believe that a. He’s on the edge and b. he plays by his own rules. When Rebecca (Julie Schoenhofer), a woman from a rural area of California, finds out her son Stevie (Brandon Angle) has been kidnapped by gangsters because her former husband Joe Fresno has made off with six million dollars and the baddies want to exchange the kid for the loot, she comes to “the big city”, Hollywood, California, to right the situation. She quickly runs into Turky (why wouldn’t he be named “Turky”?) and he agrees to help her. Teaming up with his partner Jaguar (Kilpatrick), the duo not only have to face angry chief Bonano (Mitchell) and the questionable fellow cop Lt. Maxwell (Donahue), but they also must do battle with crime lord Feliciano (Mitchum) and his army of goons. Will Turky save the boy and woo his comely mother...all in time for Thanksgiving? Find out today!

God bless Amir Shervan. We should all pause just one minute in our busy lives to honor this great man. He’s an unheralded cinematic genius that has enriched all our lives with awesome entertainment. Both this and Samurai Cop are must-see, one-of-a-kind films. There are many similarities plotwise between his two “Cop” movies...so many that it would be pointless to run them all down, but Samurai Cop (1989) is kind of a remake/re-imagining of Hollywood Cop, and we should all be glad Shervan took this route. If he felt this formula had some more juice, we applaud him for trying it again. We’re just happy he continued/was allowed to make more movies after Hollywood Cop.

Shervan assembled a killer cast this time around to help execute his singular filmmaking vision. David Goss, who has a criminally small filmography, but also appeared in Armed Response (1986), plays the main hero we all want on our side. If only his Samurai Cop counterpart Matt Hannon would team up with Goss in a movie, we’d all be the better for it. Hopefully they’re not rivals. Fan favorite Cam Mitchell appears as the forever-disgruntled police Captain. He puts in an appropriately irritated performance. Remember, he has no patience for Turky’s rogue ways. Troy Donahue is on board as well and it’s nice to see him, and Aldo Ray has one scene as a man inexplicably named “Fong”. He doesn’t seem to be channeling Leo J. James Mitchum plays the gang boss role, and he does a good job, but the kid, Brandon Angle, who plays Stevie, practically steals the movie. He’s a talented child actor that sadly didn’t seem to pursue a career in acting after this. Maybe he figured he couldn’t possibly top Hollywood Cop. He reached the pinnacle of his profession as a tot.

Special mention should also go to Lincoln Kilpatrick as Jaguar, a man with a long and distinguished career that goes back to the 50’s. When he wasn’t starring opposite Charlton Heston in The Omega Man (1971) and Soylent Green (1973), he was playing some of the best BYC’s on film in such classics as the Gary Busey Bulletproof (1988) and the Wings vehicle Deadly Force (1983). The plot of Hollywood Cop basically stops at one point so he can hot-oil wrestle with some bikini’d babes. His name should be more well known.

It’s slightly more coherent than Samurai Cop, but Hollywood Cop truly has it all from an entertainment perspective: the B-list stars you know and love, a killer score (by Elton Ahi), tons of laugh-out-loud moments, sleaze, violence, and top-flight ridiculousness. It’s all pretty inexplicable. The main song, “Restless” by Andy Madadian, is a catchy winner that puts the icing on an already heavily-frosted cake.

When you pop the Celebrity Video VHS in your VCR, there Goss the neighborhood. Don’t be a turkey and check out the awesomeness of Turky tonight!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

White Ghost (1988)

2011-12-30T07:06:00.000-05:00

White Ghost (1988)-***

Directed by: BJ Davis

Starring: William Katt, Rosalind Chao, Wayne Crawford, John Barrett, and Reb Brown

Steve Shepard (Katt) was a soldier in Vietnam. But after all his fellow soldiers went home, Shepard stayed behind. He developed a life for himself in the jungle, and even got a Vietnamese wife (Chao), who now is pregnant with their child. But, to the locals in rural 'Nam, he's known as the "White Ghost". (He even wears white pancake makeup to further compound his reputation). Maj. Cross (Brown) decides to extract Shepard from the jungle, bring him back to the U.S., and find out what he knows. To do this, he hires a team of mercenaries. Now, with both the mercenaries and the Vietnamese army out for his blood, will Steve survive to white it up another day?

When we first see William Katt here, he looks like Christopher Atkins from The Blue Lagoon. i.e., Blonde and nearly nude. Somehow, after 15 years in the Vietnamese jungle, he still has a stylish perm. His bizarre afro/mullet hybrid aside, you have to admire his dedication to the hottest styles. Katt's performance (as well as his "outfits"), and to a certain extent, the movie itself, is reminiscent of the great Deadly Prey (1987) - but without about 90% of that movie's insanity. But, rest assured, about 10% is left over.

White Ghost's director, BJ Davis, is the man responsible for Laser Mission (1989), so, there you go. While we greatly enjoyed Katt's presence here (especially his "conviction face"), and think it's a shame he wasn't in more movies like this in the 70's and 80's, we also felt Wings Hauser could have filled the Steve Shepard role nicely.

While the movie does start slow, it's worth hanging in there, because it does pick up steam as it goes along. White Ghost is pretty much a slightly above average 80's VHS Vietnam action movie, with all the trappings that would imply. Torture, shooting, booby traps, blow-ups, and of course the guard tower falls and exploding huts we all know and enjoy. But there are plenty of funny and silly moments as well to keep the viewers' interest even further.

As far as the mercenaries in this particular jungle, or the "White Ghost Team" with its "White Ghost Leader", there's the guy that looks like Stallone, the guy that looks like Jesse Ventura, the beardo and John Barrett. Barrett doesn't do all that much here, but you can chalk up another actioner for his underrated career. Their character names aren't all that important, but the scenes with the mercs do provide some more good bits in the film. As for fan favorite Reb Brown, you have to wait almost the whole movie to hear his trademark yells, but they're there all right.

Released on TransWorld in VHS in the 80's, White Ghost is a decent, good movie, worth picking up if you see it somewhere cheap.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Catch The Heat (1987)

2011-12-28T07:13:00.001-05:00

Catch The Heat (1987)-**

Directed by: Joel Silberg

Starring: Tiana Alexandra, David Dukes, Brian Thompson, Professor Toru Tanaka, and Rod Steiger

Checkers Goldberg (Alexandra), who apparently is the original Whoopi Goldberg, is a San Francisco-based federal agent. Her beauty and charm have led her into dangerous undercover work, such as dealing with drug-dealing scumbags like Danny Boy (Thompson). But she gets her biggest undercover job to date when she and partner Waldo Tarr (Dukes, who apparently is the original David Duke) must go to Argentina to stop big-time drug lord/talent scout Jason Hannibal (Steiger) and his army of goons such as Dozu (Tanaka). Evidently crucial to this crimefighting process is Goldberg’s transformation into Cinderella Pu, a stereotype-Chinese character with a thick accent. Will Waldo and Checkers be able to bring down their criminal empire...and fall in love in the process? Yes...WALDO and CHECKERS.

This movie is very, very dumb, not to mention stupid. It’s directed by Joel Silberg, the director of the first Breakin’ (1984). All we can say is...stick with Breakin’. Like Breakin’, this movie does feature some noteworthy music on the soundtrack (such as theme song “Captive in the Heat”... not Catch the, but Captive in, for those keeping score at home) and cool 80’s fashions. But the Martial Arts is pretty watered down and the humor is lame. This is surprising considering the movie was written by famous, lauded writer Stirling Silliphant.

Alexandra is nice to look at, but she’s no female Sho Kosugi, as this movie seems to be grooming her to be. Her line readings are so bad they’re funny, but maybe it’s supposed to be that way. Rod Steiger is on hand for some reason as the main baddie. It’s a total paycheck role for this normally fine actor. They don’t make him do anything too strenuous for fear that his wig might fly off.

While this movie isn’t totally without its merits, and has a nice cast, including fan-favorite Brian Thompson in a small role - yes, Yahoots Magoondi himself - and the always-lovable Professor Toru Tanaka - Catch the Heat (whatever that means) shouldn’t exactly be a priority for your collection.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Iron Thunder (1998)

2011-12-26T07:14:00.000-05:00

Iron Thunder (1998)-ZERO STARS

Directed by: Jay Woelfel

Starring: Richard Hatch

We get no pleasure out of saying this...for those new to this site, we’re not those snarky internet guttersnipes that just nitpick movies (mainly because they’re just nerds who don’t know anything; we’re just regular people)...but Iron Thunder is the worst movie we’ve reviewed to date. All copies of this cinematic abortion should be eradicated from the earth.

The really sad part is, it never has to be this way. Like other potential renters, we presume, we thought “Oh, Iron Thunder. That’s a cool title, even though there’s already a movie by that name starring Anthony “Amp” Elmore, and it stars Richard Hatch. It can’t be all bad”. Well, it IS all bad, because it has nothing viewers look for when they watch movies: likable characters, an interesting story, and an enjoyability factor that rises above zero.

Apparently Richard Hatch plays a guy with a plug in his head (not to be confused with “Plughead” from the Circuitry Man series) who goes rogue with a new experimental tank and a team of soldiers has to go find him and avoid being killed by him. The rock-bottom budget gives all the proceedings a junky look, from the horrible CD-ROM-style graphics to the toy tanks they used as laughable miniatures. Other effects are just annoying and headache-inducing. This utter slog is sub-crud and there’s a lot of talkiness you just don’t care about and are not even close to being invested in. And the kicker is, this crime against movies goes on for a punishing, brutal, inexplicable, inexcusable 110 minutes! Why? What were they thinking?

Try to imagine a STUPIDER Digital Man (1995) crossed with a MUCH stupider Bulletproof (1988), add a few more layers of worthlessness, draw it out for almost two full hours and then you might have some clue as to how unbelievably bad this movie is. It truly gives low-budget and Direct-To-Video filmmaking a bad name and insults them besides. This movie is a traitor to the cause of awesome DTV action-packed fun.

Don’t they teach warnings against this sort of thing in film school? Apparently this director wasn’t paying attention, not that he’s at all attuned to the wants and needs of others. It’s funny how, somehow, people live up to their name, and the perpetrator of this movie is one Jay Woelfel and indeed everything about this THING is indeed woeful. How DARE he unleash this atrocity on the public? How come there’s no repercussions for this?

Amazingly, Iron Thunder was at our local library. Even at a rental cost of zero, it was not worth it. It actually takes a toll on you. Avoid this movie like the plague.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

The Zero Boys (1986)

2011-12-23T07:16:00.000-05:00

The Zero Boys (1986)-**

Directed by: Nico Mastorakis

Starring: Daniel Hirsch, Tom Shell, Jared Moses, Kelli Maroney, Crystal Carson, Joe Estevez, and Nicole Rio

Steve, Larry and Rip (Hirsch, Shell and Moses, respectively) and their girlfriends, Jamie, Trish and Sue (Maroney, Carson and Rio, respectively) go deep into the woods of California for a paintball expedition. You see, the aforementioned dudes are “the best” at paintball. Surely something to be proud of. Collectively they are known as “The Zero Boys”. After holing up in an old cabin, the young adults are stalked by a murderous madman and the terror begins. Will they ever get out alive?

Like Masterblaster (1987), The Zero Boys is a mix of popular genres of the time, borrowing from survival movies, wilderness horror, slashers, and even Romps (what we call 80’s teen sex romps for short). Imagine a not-as-good take on Just Before Dawn (1981) mixed with Friday the 13th ,1980 (Jason is even mentioned in this film, as is Stallone, so it’s no wonder this movie must have been seen by the Saw (2004) and Hostel (2005) filmmakers, who clearly stole from some of its horror elements and must have liked its “ironic self-reflexivity” which also paved the way for the Scream series). Of course, throw in the paintball from the aforementioned Masterblaster, and this is what you get.

On the down side, the ‘Boys are unlikable and you don’t care about their plight. If they’re being picked off one by one, so much the better. Not a lot happens in this movie, and the last third is very hard to see, as it’s at night in the forest with minimal lights. So there’s minimal action AND you can’t see it. If the characters weren’t so annoying, this would be a different experience entirely. Plus there’s no main, recognizable, understandable villain. That’s also a major no-no.

On the up side, in the first half of the movie, there is some energetic and interesting camerawork, as well as some cool music by Hans Zimmer, who later became a soundtrack big shot. There’s a lot of un-PC dialogue which is always great and preserves the “totally 80’s” vibe.

Just imagine director Mastorakis’ take on 8mm (1999) meets White Fury (1990), crossed with his own Nightmare at Noon (1988). While movies like this never get credit for being ahead of the curve, as discussed in our Bloodmoon (1997) review, The Zero Boys has what must be the first Taser on screen (and what a Taser!), as well as some pioneering use of video as part of the plot. But the problem is that it is all over the map genre-wise. So was Masterblaster, but that worked and this doesn’t, mainly because it takes itself so seriously and has jerks for protagonists. Sadly, Mastorakis seems to lose interest as the movie goes along, and the movie suffers for it. Not surprisingly, the viewers’ interest wanes as well. All they had to do to turn this movie around was to give it some characters you care about and a strongly defined villain. But no. Apparently that was too much to ask. There’s really no excuse for these silly errors.

Released by Lightning Video, The Zero Boys starts out not without some merits, but it’s like starting at the top of a rollercoaster that goes slowly down into a valley but never comes out of it.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Blackbelt (1992)

2011-12-21T07:37:00.000-05:00

Blackbelt (1992)-***

Directed by: Charles Phillip Moore and Rick Jacobson

Starring: Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Deirdre Imershein, Alan Blumenfeld, Richard Beymer, Ian Jacklin, and Matthias Hues

Jack Dillon (The Dragon) is an ex-cop turned martial arts instructor. He also does favors on the side for people that need help but can’t exactly go to the cops. When up-and-coming singing star Shanna (Imershein) receives a severed finger in a box, she turns to Dillon for help. Shanna has other problems as well, as her “backer” is mobster Eddie Deangelo (Beymer). He’s pressuring her to sign a new contract with him, and she doesn’t want to. Naturally Deangelo focuses all his rage (and goons) on Jack Dillon, her new protector. Amidst fighting his way through the underworld to protect Shanna, Jack discovers that insane, murderous, psychopathic ex-mercenary killer John Sweet (Hues) is behind all the mayhem. Only a confrontation between Dillon and Sweet will determine the fate of Shanna, among other people. Who will win?

As this is a Corman production, it seems he wanted to go with the Bloodfist formula of having real-life martial artists in the cast, and with their screen credit along with their name is their fighting title. Also it’s 80 minutes, so right there we see the formula. But Blackbelt is truly Don “The Dragon” Wilson at his best. His lovably wooden performances are here in full, but he gets a ton of great lines (pretty much all of them, and they’re almost all snappy one-liners). Wilson worked on the fight choreography, and in true early-90’s fashion, the violence is simultaneously brutal and, at times, very funny. Both his, as well as Matthias Hues’ entrances are both great and it’s a treat to see them together, and their final fight doesn’t disappoint.

Hues also puts in a career-best performance as the Psycho (1960)-inspired Oedipal bad guy. Sure, Hues is always the baddie, but here he shows some depth as the ironically-named Sweet. Also, according to the plot, his blows are powerful enough to kill people. And his yells and grunts are priceless.

Naturally, in a classic cliche, Dillon and Deangelo “go way back” - and it should be noted that even though Dillon isn’t officially on the force, he has a partner, Sturges (Blumenfeld). There really should have been a Dillon and Sturges TV show. It would have been a great cop drama - the classic, dedicated but pudgy cop and the Karate-fighting ex-cop solving crimes. What’s really criminal is that this was never made. But at least we have Blackbelt. (However, that title is somewhat misleading, as Dillon’s, nor anyone else’s) belt level is ever talked about, much less fought over.

Not to be insulting to Miss Imershein, but the role of Shanna should have gone to someone just a little bit hotter, perhaps Wilson’s Ring of Fire (1991) co-star and frequent Corman starlet Maria Ford. Then their relationship would have been more believable. But watch out for the posters of Shanna gracing the cover of “Rock” magazine (not meant to look like Spin, surely), along with Pearl Jam. Hey, it was 1992 after all. But all her accolades are certainly deserved once you see her perform the song “Love Rocket” - along with the background dancers who are so comatose they make Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” girls look like a row of Rip Taylors on speed.

As for the VHS box: The story for the movie was co-written by Neva Friedenn (who also wrote for other Wilson vehicles) - and on the cover there is a quote: “The most action packed, sexiest kickboxing movie ever made!!” Note the two exclamation points. And guess who the quote is attributed to? Yes, Neva Friedenn! You can tout your own productions on their VHS boxes like that? Who knew? Additionally, they misspell “Matthias” when talking about the mighty Hues. Just shameful, really.

It should also be noted that Ian Jacklin is in this movie for about one second. Despite that, this movie is still worth seeing, as it is an entertaining romp from the golden age with two of the genre’s most beloved stars. What’s not to like?

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Zero Tolerance (1994)

2011-12-19T07:27:00.000-05:00

Zero Tolerance (1994)-****

Directed by: Joseph Merhi

Starring: Robert Patrick, Titus Welliver, Mick Fleetwood, Jeffery Anderson-Gunther, and Miles O'Keefe

PM knows action, and by this point in their history they had refined their craft to such a point that they turned it into an art. Case in point: Zero Tolerance. This movie is awesome. It delivers the goods in every possible way.

Jeff Douglas (Patrick) is a by-the-book FBI agent and family man. On what he thinks will be just a routine assignment, he must go down to Mexico and pick up Manta (Welliver), an evil, but charismatic killer and drug dealer. He is a member of the White Hand, a sinister underworld organization intent on putting a new form of liquid heroin on the streets. Things don’t go exactly as planned, and Manta escapes. Now back with his criminal associates Vitch (Fleetwood), Kowalski (O’Keeffe), LaFleur (Anderson-Gunter), and others, he commits an act that is so horrendous against Jeff Douglas, Jeff must go rogue and systematically kill all the baddies. His FBI counterparts don’t approve of his reckless ways, but Jeff doesn’t care. He’s traveling around the country on a no-holds-barred revenge mission, and for the people that wronged him, he has ZERO TOLERANCE.

Robert Patrick as the hero, Jeff Douglas, was an excellent choice. Zero Tolerance has way more emotion than a normal film of this type, and Patrick is just the man to carry it off. That’s something that makes this movie special. You can see Douglas slowly losing patience with life, and being stripped of everything he has. With his emotions flooding, we see he has nothing left to lose, and he takes out his grief and pain, as well as anger, on his aggressors. Another interesting casting choice was Mick Fleetwood as one of the top bad guys. It seems the filmmakers wanted to go with Donald Pleasance, but seeing as how the drummer for Fleetwood Mac is evil in real life, the casting decision was a no-brainer. O’Keeffe puts in one of his best roles also, as the conflicted baddie with the Matt Hannon-like hair.

Titus Welliver is also noteworthy as the sinister, purple suited Manta. He’s actually not the only one in the movie that wears a purple suit. He even has a multi-screen videoconferencing system with his fellow evildoers which can only be described as GoToDrugDeal (patent pending). This was way before Skype and a lot of other technology. As we discussed in the Bloodmoon (1997) review, direct to video action movies oftentimes are ahead of the curve technology-wise, but no one gives them credit because no one ever talks about them.

But the bottom line is, this is a mega-entertaining, fast-paced gem that delivers the goods times ten. It’s the best kind of revenge movie. It has a well-written plot, a likable hero, a hate-able villain, and action and stunts galore, but it actually has underpinnings of emotion and depth. What more could you want?

Zero Tolerance gets our most enthusiastic recommendation. See it today!

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Bloodmoon (1997)

2011-12-17T07:52:00.001-05:00

Bloodmoon (1997)-***1\2

Directed by: Kuang Hsiung

Starring: Gary Daniels, Chuck Jeffreys, Darren Shahlavi, Nina Repeta, Brandie Rocci, Keith Vitali, Rob Van Dam, Leigh Jones, and Frank Gorshin

In New York City, a serial killer with a very silly costume (Shahlavi) is going around beating up/killing all the meatheads in town. Chief Hutchins (Gorshin) assigns police detective Chuck Baker (Jeffreys) to the case. Aside from being an avid martial artist and cop, Baker also enjoys magic tricks. But when the man known only as “the killer” ramps up his evil doings by taunting the NYPD via his mastery of the newly-formed “internet”, a serial killer expert, Ken O’Hara (Daniels) is brought in to assist Baker. O’Hara is a good-natured divorced man with a young daughter, Lauren (Jones). Of course, he is also a highly skilled martial artist. When it is discovered that The Killer has murdered O’Hara’s beloved, elderly, mustachioed Kendo instructor, and is now after his cousin Kelly (Rocci), O’Hara finally gets angry and wants revenge. Naturally, at first O’Hara and Baker don’t get along, but they must team up to stop the mysterious killer with the detachable metal fingers.

Bloodmoon is a very entertaining movie, and has a pretty insane, off-kilter vibe. Sure, it’s a bit overlong at 100-plus minutes, and some of the more repetitive aspects of the movie could have been trimmed, but the excellent fights make up for any other minor flaws. It’s all Hong-Kong style fast-paced, creative moves meant to please fans of this genre. No doubt this was due to the fact that this is a Seasonal Films production directed by Kuang Hsiung, who recently served as one of the action directors for Ip Man (2008). And the writer, Keith Strandberg, is responsible for penning the No Retreat, No Surrender (1986) and American Shaolin (1991) series. So that should give you some idea of what to expect here.

Chuck Jeffreys has charisma and humor coming out of every pore of his body, and even his magic tricks come complete with wacky sound effects. His resemblance to Eddie Murphy/Robert Townsend is uncanny.

Gary Daniels is, as always, extremely likable as the “mind hunter”, or profiler. He really gives Richard Norton a run for his money in the “white guy with an accent who is an excellent martial artist but is also very personable and likable” department. The legendary Frank Gorshin is awesome as the stereotypical angry chief. It was nice to see him, especially in a role like that. Let’s not forget Jeffrey Pillars as the classic computer geek Justice, and there’s even an early appearance from wrestler Rob Van Dam. Brandie Rocci is nice as the spunky Kelly in a role that will remind you of Cynthia Rothrock. Shahlavi as the baddie, complete with metal shoes that make for painful kicking, was a cross between impressive martial arts and out-and-out silliness. Kind of like the movie itself, really.

Add to that the nostalgic 90’s computers (and surely some of the earliest references to the Internet, GPS, and texting ever seen on film - movies like this never get credit for being ahead of their time) and you have a rollicking good time.

Great quality fights and many funny moments are the name of the game for Bloodmoon.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

White Tiger (1996)

2011-12-14T07:53:00.000-05:00

White Tiger (1996)-***

Directed by: Richard Martin

Starring: Gary Daniels, Cary-Hiroyugi Tagawa, Matt Craven, Julia Nickson,and George Cheung

“Change is the only constant in life."

DEA agent Mike Ryan (Daniels) would rather be rock climbing with his buddy and fellow Special Op John Grogan (Craven)...but instead he’s chasing after a gang of Asian drug lords led by the sinister Victor Chow (Tagawa). Like Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991), Tagawa and his boys are going to unleash a powerful new drug on the black market. When Chow murders his buddy, despite being told to just “let it go”, Mike Ryan goes out for revenge - but who can he trust? The beautiful Jade (Nickson)? The beautiful Detective Fong (Cheung)? Mike Ryan is going to have to go rogue and trust his own instincts and martial arts skill on his quest to find Victor Chow.

Gary Daniels plays another likable dude and Tagawa another baddie in White Tiger, a film with not much going on in the plot department, but which contains great fights and is very fast paced. The story is credited to Bey Logan, the mastermind of the excellent Dragon Dynasty label of releases. So you know there’s going to be quality fights and stunts. Funnily enough, the music that underpins it all is either this modern techno or 90’s “grunge”. While the movie does take place primarily in Seattle (although it was filmed in Vancouver, Canada), the band “Pull” should be ashamed. Graeme Coleman who did the electronic soundtrack was trying to bring the martial arts film into the 90’s, but we feel he over-reached a bit.

But the overall feel is that the filmmakers were trying to modernize the direct-to-video action film, with the aforementioned music, slick cinematography and a professionally-made vibe. Luckily, they didn’t use these things as substitutes for the action goods, as is so common today. Gary Daniels always rocks and here is no exception. In his non-action scenes, he is his usual personable, charming self, and in the action department, he seems to be constantly pushing himself and trying new things. Check out some of his awesome takedowns for proof. While Tagawa and some of the others are good, White Tiger is a clear case of No Daniels = No Movie. He carries the film and makes it seem effortless.

For an intellectually unchallenging but classier-than-usual DTV beat ‘em up, White Tiger will fit the bill perfectly.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Executive Target (1997)

2011-12-12T07:30:00.000-05:00

Executive Target (1997)-***

Directed by: Joseph Merhi

Starring: Michael Madsen, Angie Everhart, Keith David, Roy Scheider, Dayton Callie, Gareth Williams, Robert Miano, and Matthias Hues

Nick James (Madsen) is a professional stunt car driver who is on his way to prison. While riding the prison transfer bus, Lacey (Everhart) and the stupidly-named Clay Ripple (Williams) manage to break him out and he escapes. They do this because they are the minions of super-villain Lamar (David). Lamar hears that Nick is the best at what he does and they want him to be the wheelman for a bank robbery. Nick wants no part of it, but they kidnap his wife Nadia (Christopherson) and say they will kill her if he doesn’t comply. But there’s something bigger afoot: to quote the movie’s tagline, “Kidnapping the President is worth a hell of a lot of money”. So while Nick does technically kidnap President Carlson (Scheider), The Prez is sympathetic to Nick’s situation and they vow to take down Lamar’s terrorist organization.

PM once again delivers the car-flipping-over-and-exploding-in-the-middle-of-the-street goods, at least in the action department. Sure, the chase scenes are overlong and contain some classic cliches (fruit carts and women with carriages, the only thing missing was two workers carrying a large pane of glass), but, like Last Man Standing (1996), it seems Pepin & Merhi were trying, even STRIVING for theatrical quality. It doesn’t quite make it, but at least they’re trying, unlike many of their competitors.

One of the more convincing reasons to watch this movie is the cast. We didn’t even mention Robert Miano and Matthias Hues. Sadly, it’s a nothing role for Hues, as he plays Vic, a bank robber who gets shot (remind you of any other Michael Madsen movies?). He doesn’t appear until forty minutes into the film, and has only one line of spoken dialogue: “I Can’t”. Unless you count some of his moanings and groanings while he is wounded. Gareth Williams is hate-able as Ripple, Keith David goes way over the top as the main baddie, but what do you expect of a criminal mastermind with an underground command center so large, it has its own name - “Area 55”? But somehow the authorities don’t know this place exists. Maybe that’s because it’s “two hours outside L.A.”. Because nothing exists there, right?

Scheider plays exactly the same role he does in The Peacekeeper (1997) (why is he even here?), Madsen is laconic, and Everhart is fun to watch as she plays the villainess with the permanent scowl on her face. You gotta love the banter between some of the characters, it’s priceless (well, more groan-inducing). Especially the scenes with Nick’s buddy Bela (Callie).

If it’s car stunts and blow-ups you seek, look no further. This movie exemplifies the PM credo that multiple, gigantic explosions and cars flying and flipping every which way need not make sense or have any justification - it’s just awesome to watch and can be highly entertaining, if in a pretty dumb way. But these stunts took a lot of work and effort to pull off, and we recognize and respect that. These are REAL stunts, not CGI garbage. We wholly support the true stunt/pyrotechnic masterminds behind Executive Target.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Night Of The Wilding (1990)

2011-12-09T07:33:00.000-05:00

Night Of The Wilding (1990)-**

Directed by: Joesph Merhi

Starring: Erik Estrada, Joey Travolta, Kathrin Middleton, Isaac Allen, Kimberly Speiss, Joe Verroca, Charlie Ganis, Pamela Dixon, Robert Dickey, and Raymond Martino

PM goes for something different here, taking a break from out-and-out action movies and delivering a courtroom drama inspired by the then-new show, Law and Order.

Joseph Gainer (Estrada) is a high-powered Beverly Hills defense attorney who has never lost a case. Constantly defending scumbags and releasing them back out into society seems to be getting under his skin however. Three teenage psychopaths, led by Carl Sloan (Allan) - the other two being the token “weak link” who has somewhat of a conscience about their evil deeds, Alan (Dickey) and Carl’s right-hand man, Martin (Ganis) break into a house and assault and rape Betty Truesky (Austin) and Doris (Kimberly Spiess, better known to adult film fans as Carol Cummings). They also attack another member of the family, a man named Bill Paxton! (Verroca, sadly not Bill Paxton). Gainer ends up as one of the lawyers defending the little jerks, and the prosecutor is his former wife Marion (Kathrin Lautner AKA Middleton). They still have a rapport, and issues of law and justice are continually coming up. What will be the fate of Betty, Doris, Carl, Martin, Alan, Joseph and Marion?

Like the aforementioned Law and Order, PM and director Joseph Merhi do a “ripped from the headlines” type of story about the incidents of “Wilding” in the late 80’s/early 90’s. The title “Night of the Wilding” is somewhat misleading for a courtroom movie like this. It’s not exactly in the same league as Night of the Kickfighters. Plus, is a home invasion /attack really wilding? No one is sure exactly what “wilding” is, but we’re pretty sure it’s out in public. Not in private. This movie brings up questions like that. Can you “wild” in the privacy of your own home?

Estrada, who is perfect for a role like this, does reasonably well. Some of his clothing, especially his out-of-the-courtroom casual wear, is quite something. Sure, he has a mullet, but you know he’s one of the good guys because the evildoers have longer, eviller mullets. It’s weird - at times the film seems to go as close to an authentic legal drama as it can - and other times what happens plot-wise is utterly absurd. Add some odd clarinet music on the soundtrack, and Joey Travolta for some reason and the result is Night of the Wilding.

The obvious highlight of the film occurs right towards the end and involves a baseball field. That’s all we’ll say. Watch out for it.

While not what you’d call a classic or a typical PM, we give them points for not simply churning out another blow-em-up movie, but we’re not sure this more dramatic approach reached its target audience. After all, PM makes the BEST blow-em-ups, and that’s what fans want. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Fans of TV-movie style courtroom dramas probably never found this movie in the first place, while PM aficionados (I assume they’re out there) more than likely won’t be adding this to their top 10 list of favorite PM’s.

While there is some clunkiness, especially in the acting department, Night of the Wilding is really not that bad (especially considering some of the unintentional laughs), but don’t go in expecting fireworks.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Wilding: The Children Of Violence

2011-12-07T08:22:00.001-05:00

Wilding: The Children Of Violence (1991)-***

Directed by: Eric Louzil

Starring: Wings Hauser, Joey Travolta, Steven Cooke, Karen Russell, Derek Anunciation, Chris McCloud, and David Crane

Parsons (Hauser) and Peters (Travolta) are cops on the beat trying to get to the bottom of a rape/murder case. Parsons is the more hardline dude (sporting some cool sunglasses) and Peters is the cop with a soft spot. As it turns out, the victims were subject to rampant wilding - presumably a group of kids going nuts. But it went too far. Tommy Baldwin (Steven Cooke) is a high school student who is leading a double life as an amoral wilding leader. He is egged on by his second-in-command Jason (Anunciation). Perhaps only the power of family, as represented by Tommy’s father and brother (Chris McCleod and David Crane) can save Tommy. Or will it be something else?

Not to be confused with Night of the Wilding (1990), here we have ANOTHER wilding movie. And the amazing part is - Joey Travolta is in both! Surely this must be a movie first. There are only two movies about wilding that we know of, and Joey is there whichever way you turn. How did this happen? Did he specifically request to his agent that he only wants to star in movies about wilding? Or is it purely a coincidence? Nevertheless, Joey is at his best here. It must have been a challenge to hold your own against co-star Wings Hauser, but Joey just about upstages him.

In the late 80’s/early 90’s, wilding must have been a topic that was on everyone’s minds, and AIP wasn’t about to let the opportunity slip away. Sure, there is some mild social commentary within, but some of the acting/non-acting is hilarious and there are two huge laugh-out-loud moments as well. We won’t spoil them for you here. Also, Tommy’s father looks like Dick Butkus and wears some great outfits (everyone in this movie has great outfits), The character of Jason, who is supposedly so evil, looks like a 10-year old dork. He resembles a cross between Lou Diamond Phillips and Alfred E. Newman.

As for the wilding, it mainly seems to consist of kids watching cars race dune buggies. And one kid in the crowd is juggling. Yep, that’s how you know these kids are up to no good. “They know how to juggle, let’s get out of here!” Other indications that these teens are rebels are the posters and T-shirts they have. Guns n’ Roses, Iron Maiden, Ozzy Osbourne, The Ramones, The Clash, Sex Pistols and even Mentors merchandise can be seen. If they’re “punk” or “metal” you know they are on the outskirts of society. The influence of the movie Suburbia comes through here (and elsewhere). This is best exemplified when Tommy’s brother, perhaps the ultimate preppy, goes to their lair and conflict ensues.

Adding to the overall vibe of fun, low-budget silliness is the fact that there is a montage of highlights from the movie during the opening credits. You don’t see this too often, mainly because filmmakers probably don’t want to spoil any potential surprises. But not director Eric Louzil (best known for his Troma work).
Also it should be noted that Wilding is filled with great music, highlighted by the title song, “Don’t Try to Stop Tomorrow” by Tiziana Rivale. This Pat Benatar-like tune will be stuck in your head for days.

A lot of fun, see this movie if you get the chance to. Of all the wilding movies, this one stands head and shoulders above the other one.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Check out the trailer!

Never Too Young To Die (1986)

2011-12-05T08:34:00.000-05:00

Never Too Young To Die (1986)-***1\2

Directed by: Gil Bettman

Starring: John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons, Peter Kwong, Robert Englund, and George Lazenby

Drew Stargrove (Lazenby) is a top-secret super-agent who has discovered that an awful plot is hatching: The evil Ragnar (Simmons) is going to poison the water supply of the Los Angeles area. When the ruthless Ragnar kills Drew, his son, the younger, more mulleted Stargrove, Lance (Stamos) must pick up where his father left off. Teaming up with the beautiful Danja Deering (Vanity) and his roommate Cliff (Kwong), who is an inventor of wacky, but helpful gadgets (no parallels to James Bond here), they set off to stop Ragnar and his minions.

Where to start with this classic? Never Too Young To Die is a very, very fun and highly entertaining movie - they truly do NOT make ‘em like this anymore. Lance Stargrove is a gymnast and Ragnar is a transvestite who performs under the name “Velvet”. Any movie with George Lazenby, John Stamos, Vanity and Gene Simmons - not to mention Robert Englund - is going to be a rare gem indeed and the movie does not disappoint. To quote the back of the VHS box (released by Charter), Vanity and Stamos “...must take on the maniacal hermaphrodite.” If that doesn’t pique your interest in seeing the movie, you’re probably dead. And they wrote that like it’s no big, unusual thing. God bless the 80’s.

Simmons really throws himself into the role he was clearly born to play. Perhaps a bit too much. John Stamos should have done more movies like this. His only other role that’s even a little bit similar is as the awesomely-named Grady Westerfall in Born to Ride (1991). There really should have been a Stargrove sequel - even a franchise, like Bond. They certainly say the name enough times, in true Brakus fashion. The whole thing was directed by Gil Bettman, who later directed Night Vision (1997). But this was indisputably his finest hour.

The movie tries to marry the action to typically-80’s comedy stylings, and the whole movie, from the names of the characters on down, has a very comic-booky feel. This was typical of the time as movies like The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984) and The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak (1984), among other examples, clearly shows.

Thanks to all the weird, goofy, wacky and funny scenarios, time speeds by when watching this gem. The theme song by Tommie Lee Bradley is memorable as well.

For a true crowd-pleaser, seek out Never Too Young to Die.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Soldier Boyz (1995)

2011-12-02T20:51:00.001-05:00

Soldier Boyz (1995)-***

Directed: Louis Morneau

Starring: Michael Dudikoff, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Tyrin Turner, Don Stroud, and Jacqueline Obradors

When Gabrielle Prescott (Hansen), daughter of rich white man Jameson Prescott (Brandt) is kidnapped by the National Liberation Front leader Vinh Moc (Tagawa) and held for ransom, Jameson enlists Major Howard Tolliver (Dudikoff) to rescue her. Thinking he can't do it alone, he enlists a ragtag team of prisoners, and together, they are the titular "Soldier Boyz" (even though one of them is female). They all travel to Vietnam and must train together - and they don't always get along. Will the Soldier Boyz be victorious?

Dudikoff puts in his usual good performance amidst the usual classic cliches, such as the exploding guard towers. Imagine a Nam Angels (1989)-type situation with a bearded Dudikoff for part of the time. Add in some of The Walking Dead (1995) and there you have it. While this movie is a low-budget actioner with a "Z" in "Boyz" instead of an "S" (S's are just not cool. Z's are much cooler, clearly), this movie is actually well-made. Tagawa is fitting as the ruthless, evil leader, something he's surely familiar with playing. You basically care about the characters - are they a youth group or prisoners - or a youth group of prisoners? Don't forget, the donation of ten million dollars to their youth group is "non-negotiable"!

The movie is fast paced, with some good action sequences. Tolliver has a bad attitude because his family was gunned down (shown in flashback and never mentioned again). During the extensive training, all the Soldier Boyz try to fight Tolliver and naturally they all lose. Probably because they're not as awesome.

The ending is a bit abrupt, but that's fairly common for these Direct To Video/Cable outings. There's something here for Dudikoff fans.

Watch out for the video game in 1997! (Yes, there is actually a Soldier Boyz game for your PC).

Here is a clip from the game:

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Punisher (1989)

2011-11-30T07:58:00.000-05:00

The Punisher (1989)-****

Directed by: Mark Goldblatt

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Louis Gossett Jr., and Jeroen Krabbe

Following the basic thread of the Marvel comics “anti-hero”, the 1989 Punisher film recounts the now well-known tale of cop Frank Castle (Lundgren), a decent man whose family is murdered by Mafiosi. So being the radically awesome dude he is, not only does he get revenge on the scumbags that killed his family, he discovers that vengeance-based hatred of evildoers is like Lay’s potato chips: you can’t murder just one. So he goes to live in the sewer system and dedicates his life to exterminating bad guys, mainly Mafia types.

As the tale plays out, we see a gradually developing mob war between the Yakuza, led by the frightening Lady Tanaka (Miyori), and the Franco family of Italian gangsters, led by Gianni Franco (Krabbe). As their war for turf and money and such escalates, the Punisher is there too, picking them off like so many cockroaches. When the children of the Italian Mafiosi are kidnapped and imprisoned, it’s up to the Punisher to save them, showing he has a human side and isn’t a remorseless killing machine. In an interesting plot occurrence, Castle must actually team up with his despised enemy Franco in order to rescue Franco’s son Tommy (Rooney). Meanwhile, grizzled cop Jake Berkowitz (Gossett) has been following Castle’s “career” for years and has teamed up with a new partner, Leary (Everhard), intent on finding him. Can the Punisher get any more awesome?

Lundgren was the perfect choice to play The Punisher. Especially when you add the black hair and stubble, his square jaw and outfit, he looks like a comic character (He was also perfectly cast as He-Man for Masters of the Universe, 1987). Speaking of which, the body count in this movie is ridiculously high. Between this, Invasion USA (1985) and No Dead Heroes (1986), the earth has been severely depopulated. But despite the dark tone, this is the type of movie where you cheer every time a baddie bites the big one. The antagonists are made to hiss and boo at, and all the many henchmen are bumped off in a variety of different ways and in different locations, so the copious murders never get boring. Sure, there are countless deaths, but they’re FUN deaths. Castle is even “credited” with killing 125 people before the movie even starts.

There are some classic bits, such as the obligatory torture scene, and the drug deal at the docks we’ve seen many times, but the idea of Mafia vs. Yakuza vs. The Punisher is just too cool. And the movie, thankfully, lives up to that cool idea. We get “motorcycle cam” of Castle riding around on his chopper, and even the bad guys have a nifty hideout worthy of any James Bond film. Of course, we’d be remiss if we left out the wacky sidekick. This time around it’s Shake (Otto), a drunken former actor that rhymes most of his lines. The equivalent character is the one “Newman” played in Punisher: War Zone (2008).

Louis Gossett Jr. always brings the goods and here is no exception. He and Dolph must be buddies, as they teamed up again for Cover-Up (1991)...perhaps Gossett wasn’t available for The Peacekeeper (1997) so they somehow rounded up Montel Williams to fill his seat. But the heavyweight Gossett can’t be easily replaced. For the main baddie they scored a classy actor in Jeroen Krabbe, who, if anything, seems even more evil in his stonewashed jean jacket.

On the technical end, this is a New World film, shot mainly in Australia. It was directed by Mark Goldblatt, the man responsible for Dead Heat (1988), the love it-or-hate-it Treat Williams vehicle (we love it). Now for the important part: the U.S. VHS is cut, shorn of many violent bits. If you’re going to buy this film, and we recommend you do, you have to get the 2-Disc Austrian DVD on the XT Video label. It comes in a hardshell box, and contains the uncut film on one disc, and the “workprint” on the other, along with some extras. Even though we had previously seen the VHS, to re-watch it on this DVD was a revelation. For a movie that revolves around violence so strongly, it would be crazy to see any other version.

To quote Exodus, it’s “good friendly violent fun” so add the (XT Video) DVD to your collection today!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

I Come In Peace (1990)

2011-11-28T07:02:00.000-05:00

I Come In Peace (1990)-***1\2
AKA: Dark Angel

Directed by: Craig R. Baxley

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Brian Benben, Betsy Brantley, Jesse Vint, Michael J. Pollard, and Matthias Hues

Jack Caine (Lundgren) is a Houston cop on the edge. When his partner is killed by sinister drug lord Victor Manning (Howard), Caine wants revenge. But his new partner is by-the-book, straitlaced Special Agent Smith (Benben). As you might expect, the unkempt, roguish Caine doesn’t get along at first with the fastidious Smith, but they forge an uneasy alliance. Mainly because, in addition to the drug war they’re fighting with shady underworld types, an evil alien (Hues) with super-strength is ravaging the city. He’s murdering earthlings because human endorphins are needed to make a valuable drug on the planet he comes from. A “good alien” is chasing him down as well. On top of all this, Caine is trying to repair his relationship with ex-girlfriend/coroner Diane (Brantley).

I Come in Peace is a very entertaining movie, mainly because the plot actually contains some very interesting ideas. It’s all done with a lot of good energy, and like director Baxley’s other films Action Jackson (1988) and Stone Cold (1991), it is well-written, containing some memorable lines.

It was also a rare chance to see Matthias Hues in the movie theater. Hues is a bad guy in just about every movie he’s ever been in, and perhaps the ultimate face-off is Dolph Lundgren and Matthias Hues. This is the only movie they’ve appeared in to date. It’s certainly a treat to see them together, especially in the final battle (which naturally occurs in an abandoned factory). Hues later played a similar role in Digital Man (1995), but I Come In Peace is a far superior movie. He only says one line, but he growls a lot. Speaking of action heroes, Brian Benben plays the humorous counterweight to all this, and if this movie was made today, the role would probably be played by Rob Schneider. About the “good alien”, the role could also have been played by Michael Ironside.

Hues’ weapon of choice are Phantasm-like flying CD’s, and there is other cool, high-tech weaponry as well. The main force of goons in the film are guys in suits inexplicably named “The White Boys”. The name certainly inspires fear on the streets, and it’s a lot of fun watching the other characters in the movie talk about them with a straight face.

There are plenty of impressive stunts, blow-ups and special effects, and it’s all done with style. It also has plenty of great music (the song choices of bands such as XYZ and Shooting Star add a lot), and the excellent Jan Hammer score holds it all together. It’s truly a shame no soundtrack has been released on CD.

For classic early-90’s fun starring two genre heavyweights - with a twist - you can’t top I Come In Peace.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Men Of War (1994)

2011-11-26T07:40:00.000-05:00

Men Of War (1994)-**1\2

Directed by: Perry Lang

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Charlotte Lewis, B.D. Wong, Tommy "Tiny" Zeus Lister, Kevin Tighe, Thomas Gibson, Catherine Bell, Tim Guinee, and Trevor Goddard

Nick Gunar (Lundgren) is a down-and-out former mercenary who is tired of the life. While weary, he yearns to get back to his family, so he accepts a job to go to a small island in the South China Sea and extract the resources it contains (and just wait until you find out what those resources are). He assembles a team of his former buddies to accomplish this task. Once on the island, his group begins to splinter. Some believe the island should be spared because inhabitants like Po (Wong) and Loki (Lewis) would have their lives destroyed, and others simply want to plunder. Adding to all this is super-evil bad guy Keefer (Goddard), Gunar’s - and everyone else’s - arch-nemesis. Naturally, Gunar and Loki fall in love so they fight to save the island...but THEN what will happen?

Men of War sports a high-quality look and feel thanks to excellent cinematography that captures the beauty of the local indigenous culture. Add to that a very strong supporting cast (Including Tiny “Zeus” Lister, Kevin Tighe and Thomas Gibson, among others) and a script co-written by none other than John Sayles, you get some symbols of quality. That being said, this movie is very much like McBain (1991) in many regards - the female member of the team really brings that comparison into perspective (Catherine Bell does an admirable job and its nice to see a female character getting into the action with the guys and not being another reporter).

Of course, Dolph is named Gunar (with one N, apparently). And rather than being yet another Russian character, here he’s known as “Nick the Swede”, which actually pays tribute to his true nationality. Dolph puts in a strong performance and has a cool hat. Charlotte Lewis is always welcome, but why is she playing a girl of Thai descent? Trevor Goddard makes an excellent baddie and you really hate him. So his job was done well.

This is what you’d call a classic “Assemble-a-team” movie - a common theme in action films perhaps best exemplified by Kill Squad (1982). There’s even a scene or two of Punchfighting as Dolph assembles his team. But even though the aforementioned John Sayles was onboard, this movie becomes a fairly standard jungle/exploding hut/exploding guard tower movie. Also it suffers from the common ailment of needing more action right before the climax. But there are some scenes of humor to leaven it all out like the cinematic fried dough that it is.

Shot in Krabl and Phang Nga, Thailand, Men of War has a lot going for it, but despite all its pluses, it just barely won us over.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Agent Red (2000)

2011-11-25T07:21:00.000-05:00

Agent Red (2000)-*

Directed by: Damian Lee (and an uncredited Jim Wynorski)

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Allan Kolman, Melini Paul, and Randolph Mantooth

Apparently there’s a deadly “bio-weapon” out there called Agent Red which, if released to the public, would kill many people horribly. Captain Matt Hendricks (Dolph) is assigned to go aboard a submarine and pick it up, to deliver it back to the U.S. Government. Helping him out is potential love interest Dr. Linda Christian (Paul). When the sub is hijacked by some evil Russians who want the Agent Red, Hendricks and Linda must fight them and get the Agent Red back safely. What will happen, and will anyone care?

Agent Red should be shown in film schools as a perfect example of how NOT to make a movie. All this supposed “movie” consists of is a disjointed mishmash of stock footage from a bunch of different sources. Playing “spot the stock footage” isn’t really the same thing as enjoying a movie. It’s just insulting to audiences. It assumes they are just idiots who don’t know anything. Working off of this absurd premise, Damian Lee once again proves he’s a hack, and Jim Wynorski had to come in and reshoot much of the footage. Again, not a great sign.

As if suffering through yet another junky submarine slog wasn’t enough, this movie is talky, yet without any character development. It’s the worst of all worlds. It’s impossible to care about the proceedings. Even Dolph can’t save this trainwreck (sub-wreck?) of a movie. Really the only people that would be watching this are Dolph fans to begin with, and this is just a slap in their faces. Most of this isn’t really Dolph’s fault. It’s Lee and producer Andrew Stevens. What were they thinking? Did they honestly believe anyone in the world would actually like this crud?

There’s not even really any action to speak of, maybe a few brief fights, shootings, and some stock-footage explosions. This barely qualifies. But it does have every cliche imaginable, including the “wacky taxi driver”, naturally named Ziggy (Allan Kolman). Is this movie Counter Measures (1999)? Is it Storm Catcher (1999)? Who can tell? Even though Dolph’s name here is Hendricks, in the stock footage “he” wears a suit with the name tag “Holloway”. Did no one notice this during (what passed for) the editing process?

Agent Red is what happens when footage is cobbled together, and a presumed movie is assembled, but without any surprises or intelligence. The presence of Dolph prevents this from being a zero star movie, but in all other aspects, it really is.

Assembling footage is not the same thing as making a movie, which the horrendousness of Agent Red amply proves.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Silent Trigger (1996)

2011-11-23T07:13:00.001-05:00

Silent Trigger (1996)-**1\2

Directed by: Russell Mulcahy

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Gina Bellman, and Conrad Dunn

Waxman (Dolph) is an ex-Special Forces soldier, and expert marksman. Sometimes his emotions get in the way of his targets and will end up in a crisis of conscience. Now holed up in an unfinished skyscraper with his female assistant, Clegg (also known as Spotter - Waxman is also known by Shooter in some sources) (Bellman) - Waxman and Clegg must execute their new assignment, as well as survive the night in a creepy building with bad guys after them. Will they make it?

Well, the movie certainly lives up to its name, as Dolph doesn’t really say that much here. Apart from that, this was the beginning of a phase of more serious-minded films from Dolph, leading up to Hidden Assassin (1995). In Silent Trigger, however, there’s a lot of set-up in the plot (perhaps too much), but what’s good about this movie is that it is at least trying to be different. What helps that are the stylistic flourishes by Russell Mulcahy that provide atmosphere and interesting shots, camerawork and set design.

On the flipside of that, however, the fact that the movie takes place in one location (except for Dolph’s flashbacks/memories) impedes the movie, even though the set is impressive. Additionally, many scenes needed more light and were too dark to see. And there needed to be more goons for Waxman and Clegg to dispatch. So in summation, we liked what was there, so we wanted to see more of it: more locations, lights and baddies. That would have helped this movie a lot.

On the bad news front, there is some really stupid and unnecessary (well, it’s always unnecessary) CGI at times. And it’s 1996 CGI at that. The inanity of these few moments shouldn’t put you off seeing this movie, we just like to point out when this happens as a warning to potential viewers, and take the opportunity to say how much we hate CGI. There’s also the classic “one really, really annoying character” cliche we see often. But the violent bits that are in the movie are great, and that keeps the viewers’ interest.

Also it should be pointed out that Dolph has an extremely large, complicated gun. When he’s assembling it, it reminded us of the scene in Spaceballs (1987) where the ship keeps going and going and going. This thing is a monstrosity, but it does some serious damage.

Shot in Montreal (it has a very Canadian feel), Silent Trigger is worth seeing but it’s not the best Dolph vehicle out there.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Red Scorpion (1988)

2011-11-21T06:24:00.000-05:00

Red Scorpion (1988)-***

Directed by: Joseph Zito

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, M. Emmett Walsh, Al White, and Brion James

Lt. Nikolai Rachenko is a Russian Special Forces soldier assigned to go undercover in Africa to root out an anti-communist leader, Kallunda (White) - don’t forget, Rachenko’s superiors are all commies. While in the midst of this deep cover, Rachenko becomes sympathetic to the anti-communist cause and realizes he has been manipulated by the higher-ups. So he goes on an explosion-packed killing spree, shooting and, when need be, dismembering his enemies (hey, it was an emergency). Rachenko may seem like a man of stone, but it’s clear he yearns to be free. Along the way he meets an obnoxious American journalist, Dewey Ferguson (Walsh) and an elderly African tribesman shows Rachenko his human side.

With a movie starring Dolph Lundgren, directed by Joseph Zito (forever in the hall of fame for Invasion USA, 1985 alone), and produced by Jack Abramoff (rumor has it his “evil hat” was an uncredited co-producer), you’d think the results would be just a bit more impressive. Not that Red Scorpion is bad at all - but it’s too long and the middle section drags. Perhaps that’s just to lull us before the big final battle, but it’s quite a lull. There’s no reason for this film to be 100 minutes. With the pedigree involved in the movie’s production, it’s not unreasonable to expect more.

The film has some really high-quality, impressive explosions. The team that worked on the pyrotechnics should be applauded. And of course, the hero gets tortured (there are some really impressive effects there too), but there are some nice underlying plot ideas in addition to the many “blow-ups”: 1. Think for yourself, 2. Communism sucks, 3. A friendship can exist between a geriatric African bushman and a blonde, Swedish hulk even if they don’t speak the same language 4. The intrigue of “who are the real enemies?”, and of course, playing the same, repetitive Little Richard songs over and over again will remind everyone of America’s greatness and freedom.

Interestingly enough, the one American character, Dewey, is obnoxious and unlikable throughout most of the film. If this movie is just a propaganda piece for the U.S., they aren’t helping their case by portraying Americans that way. But we do learn the secret of the “Red Scorpion” tattoo - later seen as the only, tenuous (at best) link between this film and its sequel. But there are actual scorpions in the movie that crawl on Dolph’s body. Whether they are “Red”, i.e., commies sent by his superiors, remains unknown.

There were a lot of anti-communist 80’s action movies, but this one has Dolph Lundgren, and apparently the filmmakers were so impressed with their explosions, rightfully I might add, that during the end credits, there are continuous explosion sounds. You don’t see them, you just hear them. While you may know what to expect with Red Scorpion, its messages help it stand out.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Sweepers (1998)

2011-11-19T07:13:00.001-05:00

Sweepers (1998)-**1\2

Directed by: Keoni Waxman

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Bruce Payne, Ian Roberts, and Claire Stansfield

In this Nu-Image production, Dolph plays Christian “Ace” Erickson, an adventurous former U.S. Special Forces soldier who has found his calling in life as a member of the Humanitarian Order of Chivalry, a group that goes to war-ravaged countries beset by land mines and removes the offending mines. While on assignment in Angola, his young son is blown up by a mine. Distraught, Erickson becomes a drunk and abandons his mine-finding ideals. He resorts to punchfighting in the local watering holes for cash.

When a new, American-made super-mine, the “A-6 Butterfly” is unleashed on the populace, it’s up to Erickson and Michelle Flynn (Stansfield) to stop the madness and unravel the government conspiracy behind these deadly items, spearheaded by Dr. Cecil Hopper (Payne). Will they succeed?

A Dolph Lundgren movie about land mines kills two birds with one stone. Firstly, it allows the viewer plenty of blow-ups with an actual reason behind them, and secondly, it’s a fairly original idea, especially for low-budget action movies. Think about it: the issue of mines in these third-world countries is a real, pressing problem. It’s a human issue many people care about. So when you add Dolph, who about 2/3 of the way through the film transforms into “Indiana Dolph”, complete with fedora-like hat and leather bomber jacket, it makes for a nice night for DTV fans.

Dolph ventured back to Africa after his time there filming Red Scorpion (1988), and the rural locations and indigenous music make for a different sort of backdrop to the action. A lot of the action is fairly implausible, but when Dolph dons his “adventure hat” and is chomping on his cigar, who can argue? Especially since he seems a bit more animated this time around, which is always nice to see. Of course, the antithesis to his “adventure hat” is the “evil hat” of nemesis Yager (Roberts). This isn’t to be confused with the G.K. Chesterton-quoting baddie Hopper. In their off time, the Sweepers (you didn’t think this was a movie where Dolph plays an undercover school janitor, did you?) (because that would be awesome) play what can only be described as “mine games”, competitive events where they try not to step on mines. I wonder if this is accurate to how actual humanitarians behave? But then again it probably gets boring when you’re out in the country and your mine-hunting is done for the day, especially for a man of action like Erickson.

So despite some of its sillier plot flaws, thanks to its important message and its difference in the world of DTV action, don’t be afraid to go on a “Mine Walk” with Ace and the gang.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Diamond Dogs (2007)

2011-11-18T06:02:00.001-05:00

Diamond Dogs (2007)-***

Directed by: Shimon Dotan

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Nan Yu, and William Shriver

Xander Ronson (Dolph) is an American ex-Green Beret laying low in Inner Mongolia, of all places. He’s deeply in debt, and fights in...wait for it...illegal underground Punchfighting matches to make ends meet. Brought before a judge, it is determined he must finally pay all his debts or go to prison. Luckily - or perhaps not - this is just when snobbish jerkbag Chambers (Shriver) offers Ronson a lucrative job. He hires him to act as security as he travels with his team to go deep into uncharted territory to find something called the Tangka - a Buddhist tapestry said to be cursed. With few options at hand, Ronson reluctantly accepts. The beautiful Anika (Yu) is the stepdaughter to chambers, and following her is likely what truly entices Ronson. In addition to trying to get the Tangka and all the pitfalls they encounter along the way, another team of baddies is chasing them, and these guys will stop at nothing to get it. Who will end up with this sacred artifact? (Meaning the Tangka, not a DVD of Diamond Dogs).

At the outset when we see Dolph somewhat down on his luck, and Punchfighting in another land, it immediately brings to mind Sweepers (1998), where similar things go on. Dolph, with his shaved head, looks especially grizzled here, and that’s to his credit - he does a nice acting job, and with little flash. There’s plenty of violence on show, leading the viewer to conclude this is a worthy Dolph adventure story, more or less.

While this “Saturday afternoon adventure” falls somewhere between big-budget opuses like the Indiana Jones series and Direct-To-Video items like Skeleton Coast (1988) or Laser Mission (1989), it’s reasonably well-made and has some impressive locations. It should also be noted that there’s a reference to the Stallone classic Over the Top (1987) hidden in the movie somewhere. See if you can find it.

Shriver, in his first credited movie role, plays the obnoxious, hate-able baddie whose hairstyle isn’t just a ponytail - that wouldn’t be irritating enough - it’s actually some sort of ponytail bun, also does a noteworthy acting job, assuming his personality isn’t really like that in real life. Ronson shows amazing patience with him - this movie would get five stars if after the thousandth snide, catty remark Chambers makes, Dolph just punches through his face, but alas, it’s not to be. In a big budget version, we felt Kevin Spacey could have played Chambers.

Although the film is called Diamond Dogs, neither diamonds, dogs, nor David Bowie are anywhere in sight. Interestingly, it can be surmised that the writers of the film are glam rock fans, judging by the title and the choice to name Dolph’s character Ronson, presumably after Mick Ronson, who among other career achievements played with David Bowie. And seeing as there were supposedly production problems on this film, and a presumed sequel got axed, Bowie can never make a cameo in the future.

Despite pockets of dullness that spring up throughout the film, Diamond Dogs is a decent Dolph outing. It won’t blow your socks away, but for a later Dolph it’s a good one-time watch.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Bridge Of Dragons (1999)

2011-11-16T06:18:00.000-05:00

Bridge Of Dragons (1999)-***

Directed by: Issac Florentine

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Valerie Chow and Gary Hudson

At some time in the distant past, or perhaps the remote future, the dastardly General Ruechang (Tagawa) rules the land. His dictator-like tactics have begun to stir a popular revolt. But before Ruechang can have total authority, he intends to marry Princess Halo (Chow). Halo doesn’t want to be anywhere near him, so in her off time she puts on a mask and competes in stickfighting matches with the burly guys of the local village. One of those guys is Warchild (Lundgren), a member of Ruechang’s retinue. When the Princess runs away, Warchild is assigned to find her and bring her back. Naturally, they fall in love and begin to fight against Ruechang’s evil empire.

There’s a lot to like about Bridge of Dragons. It’s a throwback to the classic post-apocalyptic films we all love from the 80’s. But it has the well-choreographed fights and constant violent action that director Isaac Florentine is known for. Besides the VHS-era post-nuke flicks, a diverse array of influences make up the style of Bridge of Dragons: For one, it’s hard to ignore the influence of the video game Street Fighter. Ruechang is M. Bison, Warchild is Guile and Princess Halo is Chun Li. Then we have the relationship between Halo and her governess, Lily (Kendall). Any student of 9th grade English can see this was highly influenced by Romeo and Juliet. And towards the end there’s a scene reminiscent of The Graduate (1967).

So, to recap, cross Italian post-apocalyptic thrillers, Street Fighter, Shakespeare, and The Graduate, set it in a fairy-tale-like land and load it up with action and stunts and Dolph Lundgren, and there you have it. Does this sound weird? Well, it is somewhat odd, but it’s entertaining and not boring. So that’s important.

Tagawa returns as yet another baddie, facing off against Lundgren once again (he was also the antagonist of Showdown in Little Tokyo, 1991). You gotta love his “666” logo on his buildings and vehicles. But this time he, and all the other characters, are in a more tongue-in-cheek world, with really wacky sound effects and some silly humor. Bridge of Dragons recalls Raiders of the Sun (1992), in the fact that the hero and the girl are on the run, they fight the baddies together, it’s post-apocalyptic, or at least futuristic, and the element of rebels and revolution is introduced amongst all the shooting and blow-ups. One is the Richard Norton take, the other the Dolph Lundgren take on a similar situation.

Like the film of the aforementioned Street Fighter (1994), it all ends in a freeze frame. But don’t you think Dolph makes a better Guile than Van Damme? Street Fighter aside, Bridge of Dragons is classic late-90’s Lundgren with a few unorthodox twists.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Killing Machine (2010)

2011-11-14T07:01:00.000-05:00

The Killing Machine (2010)-***
AKA: Icarus

Directed by: Dolph Lundgren

Starring: Dolph Lundgren and Bo Svenson

"No One Is Safe."

Edward Genn (Lundgren) is a family man and loving husband and father - but he’s also a secret assassin trained in the former Soviet Union and working for the Russian Mob. His code name is Icarus. After certain events go sideways, all manner of bad guys - goons, hired killers, Russian mob, other mobs, etc. are after him. All Genn wants to do is protect his family. But he’ll have to face the demons of his past first, personified by the evil gangster Vadim (Svenson). Will his double life come crashing down?

It’s very cool to see Dolph as a hitman and he looks quite dapper in his suits and ties here. As seems to be the trend of late, some scenes are underlit and too dark to see, but what we did see, we liked very much. Except for the film quality and the soundtrack, this film could have been made in the 80’s, which is definitely a good thing in our book. Dolph, as star and director, obviously knows what his fans want, and he delivers yet again. It helps that the writer, Raul Inglis, is also the uncredited writer on White Tiger (1996) as well as the writer of Breach of Trust (1995).

There’s plenty of action, good violence, and Bo Svenson as well. He doesn’t show up until the very last portion of the film, but it was cool to see Dolph and Bo together, especially in a showdown as mortal enemies. Interestingly, the plot of “guy was a hitman and now has a wife and daughter who are now in danger because of his past life and he now must use his violent training to protect them” was also used for Hitman’s Run (1999). Thankfully, neither Esteban Powell, nor any other annoying sidekick is on display. As said earlier, Dolph knows what his fans want. Annoying sidekicks are not one of them.

So thanks to the action, violence, presence of two of our favorite stars (Dolph and Bo) and the undemanding running time of 88 minutes, not to mention the 80’s throwback feel and Dolph’s direction, The Killing Machine is a solid winner.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Hidden Agenda (2001)

2011-11-12T07:10:00.000-05:00

Hidden Agenda (2001)-**

Directed by: Marc S. Grenier

Starring: Dolph Lundgren and Maxim Roy

Dolph plays ex-FBI agent Jason Price, a man who runs some kind of witness protection program. When a ruthless assassin called “The Cleaner” is bumping off supposedly protected people, Price must slowly unravel a complex series of lies, deceits, betrayals and double-crossings.

What happened with this film is - it’s mid-period Dolph and got lost in the video store shuffle. It’s in some kind of nether world between his classic 80’s and even 90’s outings and his current renaissance. It’s hard to imagine someone in ‘01, while perusing their local video store, not just giving the cover a cursory glance and then moving on. But we can see why Dolph took the role. It’s different. He probably yearns to play reasonably non-meathead-y roles like this. In Hidden Agenda, he’s smart, he’s good with computers, and in his cover as a suave restauranteur, we see his classy side. We applaud this change of pace, but that’s not enough to make the movie GOOD, unfortunately.

Despite the film’s strengths, when the film begins, the audience is treated to a jumble of names and situations, as if the filmmakers assume we already know what’s going on. So after some more muddled plot developments and frustrating computer gobbledygook, the movie is halfway over and we’re not hooked in and involved with the plot. Even Dolph seems bored a lot of the time. Add to that some confusing and characterless “intrigue” and the end product is what best can be described as an arrested development in the Dolph canon. Yes, there are some nice changes of pace, but at what cost?

Plus there are some annoying editing tricks and techno music during the scant fight scenes. The problem is, this film doesn’t EARN the tricks. It seems like a cover-up for a lack of something. And therein lies the crux of the matter: The filmmakers should have cut a lot of the fat and talkiness and stripped down the film to a race-against-time battle between Price and The Cleaner. Assuming it was done correctly, this would have given the film the turbocharge it needed to be successful. Sadly, instead, with the technology on display (Icarus and Daedalus?) it’s like watching a dramatization of an episode of “90’s Tech” on the History Channel.

We see what the filmmakers were trying to do...had this film come out in the theater it would have starred Matt Damon (doubtlessly wearing glasses) and been a slick Hollywood thriller like Paycheck (2003) or Hackers (1995). So imagine that formula applied to a Canada-shot DTV product with Dolph Lundgren and there you have it.

In the case of Hidden Agenda, different does not necessarily mean better for Dolph fans.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Hidden Assassin (1995)

2011-11-11T06:51:00.000-05:00

Hidden Assassin (1995)-***
AKA: The Shooter

Directed by: Ted Kotcheff

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Maruschka Detmers, Assumpta Serna, Gavin O'Herlihy, and John Ashton

When the Cuban ambassador to the U.N. is assassinated by a sniper, U.S. Marshal Michael Dane (Dolph) travels to Prague to apprehend the suspect. As it turns out, the suspect is Simone Rosset (Detmers), and the relationship between Dane and Rosset becomes complicated. Naturally, there is a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top - and Dane must fight hard to get to the truth. Being a stranger in a strange land, will he succeed?

Hidden Assassin - not to be confused with Silent Trigger (1996), or Hidden Agenda (2001) for that matter (although Silent Trigger has a similar plot that involves male and female snipers who are conflicted about their actions) - was made during the period in Dolph’s career where he was trying to be more serious, and was appearing in films with a darker and more somber tone. Whether intentionally or not on his part when he was choosing his roles, these 90’s Dolphs are different from his 80’s heyday.

What follows is more intrigue than out-and-out action, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a different animal from, say, The Punisher (1989). Here Dolph is put into some interesting scenarios - from a smooth, wine-tasting gentleman, to an action hero not afraid to get hurt and be covered in blood (interestingly, his white T-shirt with the bloodstain will remind you of Andrew W.K.). He even wears an interesting Franz Kafka shirt at one point. The Prague locations are a highlight of the movie. The cinematography is top-notch, and thanks to the interesting setting and good production values, as well as the big-sounding score, Hidden Assassin seems to be going for a classier vibe.

Detmers recalls a more-sane Sean Young in her prime, and as far as casting goes, in lesser (?) hands, Dolph’s role could have been played - should the dire need arise - by Frank Zagarino (similar hair). His sidekick could have been played by Dennis Franz. What’s going on with Dennis Franz? We haven’t heard too much from him lately.

Hidden Assassin is probably one of the better 90’s Dolphs, thanks to the quality of the technical aspects of the film, but had this movie been made in the 80’s, it would have been a more full-throttle action film, and that would have been nice to see.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Missionary Man (2007)

2011-11-09T06:58:00.000-05:00

Missionary Man (2007)-**

Directed by: Dolph Lundgren

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Matthew Tompkins, and John Enos III

Ryder (Dolph) is a mysterious man on a motorcycle who rides into a dusty ol’ southwestern town. Knowing only that he always carries his bible around, and that he likes tequila, be befriends a family of Native Americans, but makes enemies with the local (and prerequisite) evil land baron, Reno (Tompkins), and his goons. Reno even tries to get some bikers to take Ryder down, led by the charismatic Jarfe (Enos). Reno wants to take the land from the Indians (if you can still call them that?) and build his own casino. But Ryder doesn’t approve of his ruthless, murdering tactics, so he deals with them the only way they understand: with some shotgun justice! Will Ryder rip the bolo ties off this new crop of middle-aged punks?

The idea of Dolph as a preacher on a motorcycle who comes to clean up a town sounds good on paper. And in some ways it does work. But this rehashed plot is nothing new, and it lacks a certain verve. Taking liberally from Pale Rider (1985), The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976), Billy Jack (1971) and Walking Tall, 1973 (to name a few obvious examples), thanks to some boring, talky bits and some weak, jerky, short fight scenes, a lot was left to be desired from these “Dolphings With Wolves”.

We don’t want to go too hard here, as there are some cool parts herein. John Enos of Bullet (1996) and Stealth Fighter (1999) fame unquestionably steals the movie as Jarfe. He only shows up towards the end, but he should have been the main villain instead of Reno. As stated earlier, Missionary Man boasts a cool concept, but it’s just so derivative, it becomes hard to be invested. To overcome this, there should have been more excitement and edge. The movie needed a literal and figurative punch-up.

And it doesn’t hurt that the colors on the DVD are all weird. Supposedly there were some technical issues that weren’t resolved in time, so the movie has a washed-out, grainy look that doesn’t do it any favors. But if you always wanted to see Dolph instead of Lamas in an episode of “Renegade”, here you go. Plus Lamas’ name in “Renegade” is Reno Raines, and the baddie here is named Reno. Coincidence?

But there’s no denying Dolph is cool, and his CSI-like trading of his sunglasses for granny-style reading glasses is a nice touch. But his coolness alone isn’t enough to overcome the flaws of Missionary Man. The bottom line is the Missionary Man concept should have gotten a better execution.

Yes, it’s run-of-the-mill plotwise, but there are some definite standout moments. It’s tough, but we just can’t put our full blessing behind Missionary Man.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Direct Contact (2009)

2011-11-07T06:28:00.000-05:00

Direct Contact (2009)-***

Directed by: Danny Lerner

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Gina May, Bashar Rahal, and Michael Paré

Mike Riggins (Dolph) is rotting away in a Balkans prison for supposedly smuggling weapons. Thankfully he can defend himself against his jailhouse assailants. When Clive Connelly (Pare), a government bigshot, comes to Mike and offers him a total of 200,000 dollars if he can find the kidnapped Ana Gale (May) and bring her back home, Mike agrees. But as it turns out, all is not as it seems, and thanks to some twists and turns, we see there is a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top. Will Mike and Ana make it to safety?

In one of the better Nu-Image movies we’ve seen of late, Direct Contact delivers the Dolph you want. Sure, as we’ve discussed before, he elevates all movies he’s in. His presence means a lot, but here it’s just enjoyable to watch him beat, shoot, pistol-whip and blow up everybody in sight. Even the squibs are entertaining, as baddies die unnecessarily bloody deaths, sometimes to humorous effect.

However, it’s not all good news, as some lame green screen and CGI effects hurt the movie. These things are just annoyances, nothing more, and it’s puzzling why some filmmakers believe they are important to the movie. There’s even some ridiculous sped-up chase footage where it seems like the “Yakety Sax” should be playing on the soundtrack. Somehow, the doofuses at Nu-Image don’t seem to realize this is DOLPH LUNDGREN, not Benny Hill. But we suppose it’s forgivable, because Direct Contact is an entertaining, if not that original, production where Dolph meets another titan of the genre: Michael Pare.

Pare puts in a good performance and it’s cool to see this “clash of the titans” as he faces off with Dolph. He doesn’t seem to phone in his role, and that’s certainly a good thing. Also it should be noted that there is a baddie in the movie named Drago (Rahal). He’s such an ethnic stereotype, he gives Balki of Perfect Strangers fame a bad name. Perhaps they couldn’t get Bronson Pinchot. That aside, in a “meta” move, it’s Drago vs. Drago! Was this done on purpose, or are there no more generic Eastern-European names left to use? (To answer our own question, judging by the end credits of most DTV productions nowadays, which read like the Bulgarian phone book, no.)

Also, even though it has been mentioned before, we can’t not bring up the scene where a character actually says, “What if he goes AOL?” How this passed the director, the actor himself, the editing process, and any step in between without any notice and ended up in the final film is anybody’s guess. But to answer the man’s question, he’ll get mail, news, messenger, and plenty of extras for only $9.99 a month. Someone find Mike Riggins!

So aside from the aforementioned technical hiccups, Direct Contact (not to be confused with Direct Action, 2004), provides a solid night of Dolph fun.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Minion (1998)

2011-11-05T08:08:00.000-04:00

The Minion (1998)-***

Directed by: Jean-Marc Piche

Starring: Dolph Lundgren and Francoise Robertson

When archaeologist Karen Goodleaf (Robertson) goes to investigate a burial site found underneath New York City, she gets way more than she bargained for. Among the relics is an ancient key. This key just happens to unlock the hiding place of “The Minion”, a devil or demon of some sort. Luckily, Lukas (Dolph), is sent from a monastery in Jerusalem to help recover the key before it falls into the wrong hands. As it turns out, Lukas is a direct descendent of The Templars, and his “warrior priest” status helps Karen fend off the powers of The Minion, whose spirit can inhabit the bodies of others. What will happen to the mysterious key?

The Minion has some noteworthy ideas, such as modern-day Templars, and the dialogue is fairly interesting, or at least attempts to be. For example, The Minion has the ability to turn you into a were-minion. So many DTV movies seem like they’re not even trying. Say what you will about The Minion, you could tell the filmmakers were at least putting forth some effort into delivering a product with some worthwhile thought put into it. The dialogue to convey said ideas is delivered convincingly by Dolph, who must have chosen this role because it’s a bit different than what he’s usually known for (or he was hitting a rough patch in his career and had no other option but to go to Canada and shoot this).

Now while there are historical references (among plenty of mumbo-jumbo, of course) - the film borrows heavily from such contemporary movies as The Relic (1997), but crosses it with C.H.U.D. (1984), of all things. Dolph can only stop the evil with a huge spiked glove, highly reminiscent of The Glove (1979). But it’s one of the cooler aspects of this movie nonetheless. Actually, an entire movie could - nay - MUST be made of Dolph fighting more baddies and punks with a spiked glove. Come to think of it, forget all this mystical demon noise. Dolph and “The Glove” forever! Who’s with us? Anyway, add in a demon in some kind of supernatural prison, and Dolph as the most badass dude to wear a white Priest’s collar, and you have a decently entertaining Dolph vehicle, despite its flaws.

It may not be one of Dolph’s shining moments, but The Minion really isn’t all that bad. It’s a good one-time watch.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Detention (2003)

2011-11-04T07:09:00.000-04:00

Detention (2003)-*

Directed by: Sidney J. Furie

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Alex Karzis, Kata Dobo, Larry Day, and Mif

Sam Decker (Dolph) was “The Best” as a soldier in the Bosnia conflict. Now he’s a gym/history teacher at Lincoln High School. After receiving another job offer, he announces his last day in this hellhole of stupid, annoying punk kids. But then he’s put on detention duty. While babysitting a roundup of stereotypes, a group of Hungarian drug runners led by Lamb (Karzis) and Gloria (Dobo) - and of course Alek (Mif) put the school on lockdown and then start shooting at/terrorizing who happens to be left after school that day. It’s now up to the heroic Mr. Decker to get the kids to safety and take down the baddies, using only what he happens to find in the way of school supplies. Will Decker sentence his enemies to detention - permanently?

Now while it was somewhat cool to see Dolph as a high school teacher, this Nu-Image take on The Principal and The Substitute is run-of-the-mill at best. Its “Die Hard in a school” scenario turns the dumbness factor to 11 and is filled with amazingly inane, insipid dialogue, but somehow finds no time for any surprises, twists, or anything at all that would make this outing worthwhile, plotwise. This is certainly the closest Dolph has yet come to being in an Urban Justice-type movie. But just imagine Lethal Tender (1997) meets The Breakfast Club (1985). Now these are some REALLY Dangerous Minds.

This movie is just horribly written. Besides the horrendous dialogue mentioned earlier, it’s never properly or clearly explained just why these bad guys are taking over the school. We learn once we’re deep into the film that they’re drug runners, but that’s it. Their motivation for doing what they do should have been much clearer. It’s like the writers found it hard to find a reason why antagonists would take over a school, so they just slacked off and didn’t really bother to explain it. Plus, other characters are unexplained/forgotten. Never mind all the audience-insulting gaps in logic and plot holes, which normally we don’t point out or care about, but here it’s just so irritatingly sloppy and nonsensical, it’s not even fun. And at 98 minutes, Detention does indeed feel like a punishment.

What makes it really sad is that director Sidney J. Furie has had a long and rich career that dates back to the 50’s. He’s an experienced director and really should have known better. He worked with Dolph the year after this on Direct Action (2004) and also directed The Rage (1997). What he should have realized is that this movie needed more goons for Dolph to dispatch and less super-annoying kids.

Karzis was decent as the head bad guy, but this role easily could have gone to Corey Feldman. Or, even better, Kim Coates. He must have been busy working on something nearby, as this movie was shot in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, and Coates tends to appear in these low-budget Canadian productions. Really, Detention is very similar to Command Performance (2009), except that here he’s the cool teacher instead of the cool drummer, and they’re trapped in a school instead of a stadium. And Command Performace is a lot better.

Despite the presence of 1. an exploding helicopter 2. the fact that the principal has a nameplate that says “L. Neeson” but we don’t see him, presumably implying that the principal of the school is Liam Neeson but we conveniently don’t see him after school 3. the end credits song is typical Nu-Image Nu-metal by a Nu band named “Feebo”, thus proving anything that uses the spelling “Nu” sucks, and 4. There’s a credit at the end for “emotional support”, which makes sense, because by about the 70 minute mark you’re certainly enduring Detention, not enjoying it - so this is a movie that is kept afloat solely by the presence and likability of Dolph Lundgren. Like fellow Nu-Image production The Last Warrior (2000), this movie would be unbearable if he wasn’t in the cast.

Except for Dolph, this movie is so lame, it makes “Teach Tony Danza” look like a bad-ass action movie. Watching this crud is like fingernails on a blackboard.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

The Last Warrior (2000)

2011-11-02T07:59:00.000-04:00

The Last Warrior (2000)-*
AKA: The Last Patrol

Directed by: Sheldon Lettich

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Sherri Alexander, Rebecca Cross, Brook Susan Parker, Juliano Mer, and Joe Michael Burke

A 9.5-level earthquake struck California, turning it into an island. The survivors living in this harsh new reality refer to it as “A.E.” or, “After Earthquake”. Army Captain Nick Preston (Dolph) visits a junkyard inhabited by Army lady McBride (Alexander), a man named Lucky Simcoe (Burke) and his perky but somewhat annoying wife Candy (Cross). They all must learn to get along, as well as dodge pitfalls like a disease that causes large, moving boils on your skin, and an insane prisoner (Juliano Mer). Meanwhile, Preston wants to save a bus filled with children led by a woman named Rainbow (Parker), who may or may not have the ability to make it rain. Perhaps she should avoid the post-apocalyptic strip clubs. What will become of these people?

Starting with some narration by Dolph which explains nothing really, we realize we are in for a run-of-the-mill post-apocalypse slog. It seems, in retrospect, that The Last Warrior was doomed from the start, as a. it was shot during a period when Dolph was hitting the skids, b. It’s a Nu-Image production from the same period, c. It’s rated PG-13 so you know nothing REALLY awesome is going to happen, and d. It’s a talky low-budget drag with minimal locations.

What this SHOULD be is Dolph doing Mad Max (done the right way) - He should be a true “Last Warrior” who fights baddies violently and on his own terms. Instead, it’s a boring production about an encampment filled with annoying characters who you can’t possibly care about spouting pseudo-funny dialogue. Solely the strong presence of Dolph keeps this movie from Iron Thunder (1998) territory, although a more accurate comparison might be to Digital Man (1995), a similar desert-set “ensemble” film.

Director Lettich, who is known for his Van Damme (or Daniel Bernhardt, same difference) productions, shot this in Israel, also where he shot the JCVD vehicle The Order (2001). While that is interesting, the bottom line is that The Last Warrior adds nothing to the genre. But the real crime is its dearth of action. This truly is a case of a movie needing less talk, more rock. Instead of talking our ears off, Dolph should be making a necklace of them.

Nothing happens in this babyish waste of Dolph. It’s one of his worst movies, easily the equal to Agent Red (2000) in terms of audience letdown. The Last Warrior is for Dolph completists only.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Showdown In Little Tokyo (1991)

2011-11-01T07:18:00.000-04:00

Showdown In Little Tokyo (1991)-***1\2

Directed by: Mark L. Lester

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Brandon Lee, Tia Carrere, Renee Allman, Simon Rhee, and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa

Kenner (Lundgren) is a cool L.A. cop working the Little Tokyo district of town. He grew up in Japan and is familiar with its culture. When he was a kid, his parents were killed by a member of the Iron Claw gang, Yoshida (Tagawa). Now that the Iron Claw is in America and ready to step up their criminal empire using a brewery as a front to distribute the drug Ice (more deadly than “Rock”, so we’re told), it’s up to Kenner and his enthusiastic new partner Johnny Murata (Lee) to stop them. Also Tia Carrere is on hand as Minako, a performer in an Iron Claw-controlled club that Kenner wins over, as is Death Match’s (1994) Renee Allman in a small role as Minako’s friend.

What we have here is classic Dolph from start to finish. Which, incidentally, doesn’t take very long, as the movie is 78 fast-paced minutes, and that includes the opening and closing credits, so it’s probably closer to 70 minutes or so. But in that brief time, we’re treated to nonstop action and all the other trademarks of movies like this - constant wisecracks and one-liners, the obligatory torture and training sequences, flashbacks, fight scenes, nudity, blow-ups and the like. It distills the action movie down to its barest elements and is incredibly entertaining and fun for doing so. This is a film that knows its audience.

Showdown in Little Tokyo is incredibly juvenile, but in the best possible way. It seems like the movie was written by a team of middle school-aged boys who simply wanted to get their adolescent fantasies on the screen. Just bring on the action and girls and let subtleties, complexities or consequences be damned. You gotta love it. We should all be glad the parents never came home while they were making this movie. It would be far less of a gem.

Dolph has a great entrance too. He swoops in on a rope and interrupts a punchfighting match! As he and Johnny are members of the “Asian Task Force”, they are able to bond through that. They start off as “the original odd couple” - Kenner speaks fluent Japanese, lives in a Japanese-style house he “built himself” and knows everything about their culture, and he’s the whitest thing on the planet since Wonder Bread. Johnny Murata is supposed to be Japanese, but was raised in America and knows nothing about his own culture. As you can tell, I’m reaching to find some subtext here (!) But it is interesting how the Yakuza gangs all love big, classic American cars. Oh, and Tagawa plays yet another heavy, and he and Dolph would square off again eight years later for Bridge of Dragons (1999).

It’s silly, it has humor, most of the characters wear big, loud, colorful suits, and it’s all supported by a rockin’ electric guitar score. It’s hard to imagine another movie that asks so little of you and your time, yet delivers so much. Everyone should own a copy of Showdown in Little Tokyo, and the world would be a better place if action movie makers followed its example.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009)

2011-10-28T19:59:00.000-04:00

Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009)-***1\2

Directed by: John Hyams

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Andrei "The Pitbull" Orlovsky, and Dolph Lundgren

When a terrorist group takes over part of Chernobyl and threatens radioactive death if their demands are not met (and they kidnapped the son and daughter of a prominent politician to boot), Luc Deveraux (Van Damme) is called back into active duty. Now in a kind of rehab/therapy where he's learning to live again, he must retrain for combat. He faces his toughest challenge yet, as the terrorists used stolen technology to create the ultimate emotionless, unstoppable killing machine, dubbed "The Freak" by U.S. forces (Orlovsky). But they also open Pandora's box and resurrect Deveraux's old nemesis Andrew Scott (Dolph). Deveraux has his work cut out for him this time around...

It's actually pretty shocking how good Universal Soldier: Regeneration truly is. It doesn't even really HAVE to be this good. Far from your average "dumb" action movie, this seems to be a rejection of that notion, striking an excellent, precise balance between melancholy intelligence and frighteningly brutal violence.

Regeneration appears to be a reaction to The Return. Almost as if the filmmakers were embarrassed by the badness and silliness of that unfortunate outing, the swung the pendulum back the other direction (almost too much), creating a dark, adult, nihilistically violent creation, but it's not without some emotion and humanity as well. Just a great job done all around.

Everything from the production values, to the acting, to the action, and everything else in between is light years beyond The Return, making it truly a travesty that that turkey was released theatrically in the U.S., while this wasn't. Regeneration is well-shot and well-directed by John Hyams, son of director Peter. Hyams treats the material seriously and with respect, and everything that happens plotwise makes perfect sense. It's all idea-based (even retaining the best ideas from the first Universal Soldier film), not throwaway action. In the hands of another director, this could have been half-heartedly slagged off as "just another Universal Soldier movie". But the fact that Hyams does not do that, or even come close, is totally refreshing and comes as a great relief for true action fans.

Hyams hits all the right notes - from utilizing the bleak Bulgarian locations to their fullest potential, to bringing the Universal Soldier franchise into the present day. Using the Navy Seal-like soldiers strongly reminiscent of the U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the uncompromising nature of war, as a background to amplify the audience's fears about our own mortality. After all, even our best soldiers are no match for their SuperSoldiers. We'll definitely be watching to see what Hyams does in the future, as he seems to have a strong grasp of how to do muscular action.

Undoubtedly, many consumers probably thought that this IS just another Universal Soldier installment - it's almost a shame that this movie doesn't have another title. Having been burned on The Return, consumers might not know what they're truly getting here - something much, much different and worthwhile.

Van Damme puts in an excellent performance, Dolph is always awesome, and Orlovsky is perfectly cast as the scary freak. All the actors in the film do a pitch-perfect job. A definite win for everyone involved, we enthusiastically support Universal Soldier: Regeneration.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Universal Soldier (1992)

2011-10-26T07:07:00.000-04:00

Universal Soldier (1992)-***1\2

Directed by: Roland Emmerich

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Ally Walker, Tiny Lister, Leon Rippy, Ralf Moeller, Simon Rhee, and Jerry Orbach

"The Future Has A Bad Attitude"

Back in ‘Nam, soldier Luc Deveraux (Van Damme) met and became mortal enemies with the sinister fellow soldier Andrew Scott (Lundgren). Luc objected to Scott’s killing of civilians, and in the ensuing brouhaha, they end up killing each other. Or so we think. In 1992, they, along with other former soldiers have been turned by the government into “Universal Soldiers”, or “Unisols” for short. They are part man, but part machine as well, and have been programmed to follow orders emotionlessly. But slowly both Luc and Andrew start to regain more and more of their humanity. Luc escapes the compound with reporter Veronica Roberts (Walker) - but Andrew is not happy about that. So now Luc and Veronica are on the run, with Andrew chasing them everywhere they go and causing a lot of mayhem along the way. Old grudges die hard as the final fight proves. What will happen?

Universal Soldier is a classic from the golden age of action in America. This was a time from the late 80’s to early 90’s when movies like this went to the theater and had decent budgets behind them. And this in particular was such a success that is spawned four (soon to be five as of this writing) sequels. But the high quality of this production goes a long way and is nice to see, especially in light of the brutal violence and constant, messy head shots which are usually reserved for lower-budget outings.

But, beyond the violence, there are some interesting messages at work. One is that humanity will always remain in us and is stronger than any outside force. Despite all that has happened to them, Luc is still good and Andrew is still evil. The movie also tries to make modern-day parallels to their ‘Nam experiences. Funnily enough, there’s a (probably inadvertent) pro-steroid message, as characters get stronger and win fights after they inject a chemical into themselves.

Besides Van Damme and Lundgren together at last, we shouldn’t forget Ralf Moeller is on hand as well. That’s right, Brakus himself plays a Unisol. Now that’s an amazing power-trio if there ever was one. As if that wasn’t impressive enough, Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister and Simon Rhee also play Unisols. Of course, the whole program was developed by Lennie - i.e. Jerry Orbach - who really doesn’t get a lot of screen time. Ally Walker as the classic know-nothing reporter who serves as some kind of audience identification is okay, not great. But Dolph puts in a rare animated performance and seems to relish being the super-evil baddie here.

While the movie follows a very definite formula, there’s also plenty of humor so the proceedings don’t get too dour. Part of that, presumably, is the surprising amount of un-asked-for, unneeded Van Damme nudity. But the Unisols are kept in cold storage like so many hot dogs, and their eyepiece resembles an evil monocle, adding to their scary appearance. It’s also amusing to see Belgians and Swedes fighting in the Vietnam War...but come to think of it, this movie can really be summed up in three words: Necklace Of Ears.

Just get some action stars and a solid budget and entertainment will ensue. If only Hollywood kept on this path, but sadly they didn’t. If you haven’t yet seen it (or haven’t seen it in a long while), see Universal Soldier.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

2011-10-24T06:44:00.001-04:00

Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)-*

Directed by: Mic Rodgers

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bill Goldberg, Justin Lazard, Heidi Schanz, Xander Berkley, Brent Hinkley, and Michael Jai White

Luc Deveraux (Van Damme) returns, but the question is...why? This time around, Luc is just a regular Joe with a daughter, and he’s working with a Dr. Cotner (Berkeley) to refine and improve the Universal Soldier project. This is pretty surprising considering how he was treated by the higher-ups in the first movie. Nevertheless, At the base, everything is controlled by a 2001: A Space Odyssey-styled computer called SETH. When the intelligent SETH determines that the government is going to pull his plug, he transfers himself into the body of Michael Jai White and goes hunting for Luc and his daughter. As if that wasn’t enough to contend with, Luc also must fend off fellow Unisol (a contraction of the words “Universal Soldier” for those that didn’t see the first movie) Romeo (Goldberg). Naturally there’s yet another do-nothing female reporter, Erin (Schanz). How will Deveraux get out of this one?

Sadly, this sequel to the highly entertaining original is a disappointment. It’s a big drop from the first one - it’s lifeless and not a crowd-pleaser. While it did receive a theatrical release, surprisingly, it has a chintzy Direct-To-Video look to it. It never inspires confidence when 95% of your movie takes place in one building. Yes, “The Return”, as we call it (we refuse to dignify this crud with the Universal Soldier name) is one of THOSE.

Even from its silly opening sequence (which naturally involves rockin’ jetskis), and throughout its many scenes with terrible music behind them, this movie is trying to be hip and cool, but fails. A great example of this is the character of Squid (Hinkley) - a radically-awesome drinker of Mountain Dew who loves his Frankenberry cereal. And speaking of characters that audiences can’t possibly connect with, the choice to cast fitness girl Kiana Tom instead of a proper actress is just odd. But the most glaring casting change involves the complete lack of Dolph Lundgren. Sure, we all love Goldberg, as much as anyone really can, but he’s no substitute for the Dolphster. Surely even Mr. Lundgren, who’s no stranger to DTV junk, read the script for this and headed for the hills.

Not so for Van Damme, who looks tired and disinterested, even as he spouts his one-liners. Does anyone really want to see Luc Deveraux as just some normal dude - with a kid even? Surely a sign of this movie’s status as a pale reflection of its forebear is, instead of the robotic monocle the Unisols wear over an eye in the first film, now they just wear Blu-Blocker Bono sunglasses.

And while this movie is very dumb, and disjointed, and features some downright embarrassing steals from Demolition Man (1993) and Terminator 2 (1991), Michael Jai White ALMOST saves the movie. He puts in by far the best performance and seems dedicated to his role as the sinister SETH. But even despite his valiant efforts, he can’t overcome the cruddiness within. But on the bright side, a character rides Goldberg down a flight of stairs like a sled. Yes, you read that correctly.

The bottom line is, this movie is an obvious cash-in and simply doesn’t need to exist. You might think, before watching this, “Yeah! It’s a Universal Soldier movie! Cool!” - it’s only natural to think that, but unfortunately, this movie doesn’t satisfy those expectations.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Hard Target (1993)

2011-10-22T07:05:00.000-04:00

Hard Target (1993)-****

Directed by: John Woo

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Yancy Butler, Arnold Vosloo, Lance Henriksen, Kasi Lemmons, and Wilford Brimley

Chance Boudreaux (Van Damme) is a New Orleans longshoreman who is down on his luck and struggling to find work. Opportunity comes his way when Nat (Butler) hires him to help her find her missing father. As it turns out, her father isn’t missing, necessarily, he was a victim of a malevolent gang of “human hunters”. Led by Fouchon (Henriksen), and with his second in command Pik Van Cleef (Vosloo), they get their kicks (and get rich) letting weekend warriors pay them to go on the ultimate hunting expedition: for man! But they meet their match with the fearless Chance, a man they cannot kill. Along for the ride is Chance’s uncle Douvee (Brimley). Will Chance get his chance at glory? Or, to the human hunters, is he just another HARD TARGET?

Hard Target is hands-down one of Van Damme’s best. It’s explosively entertaining and lives up to the promise of a Van Damme and John Woo team-up. It’s everything a combination of those two men could be and should be, and doesn’t let the audience down.

Once again, this is classic 90’s action fun from the golden time when Van Damme movies went to the theater. Back then, we remember joking with our friends that because there’s so much slow motion in this movie, if it was all played at regular speed, the film would be about 20 minutes. And it’s true, there is a lot of dramatic slo-mo, but it’s all for the best. And Van Damme and others get a lot of unnecessarily portentous entrances and exits, which just adds to the style of Hard Target, which is just a tad bit off-kilter. But that’s far from a bad thing. It separates itself from its many competitors that way.

Besides Van Damme and his absurd hair, the cast assembled for this is just killer: Lance Henriksen is great as the baddie who’s so bad, even his piano-playing is evil. Vosloo is also adept at being bad, and his quasi-Scottish (?) accent, well, accentuates his sinister glares. Yancy Butler gives a bug-eyed performance who always seems surprised at the proceedings. But top marks must go to the great Wilford Brimley. In a strange role for him, the barely-intelligible, bow-and-arrow toting, horseback riding uncle is truly lovable and you root for him, even though he doesn’t appear until late in the film. That’s a tribute to Brimley that the audience can grow to love him so quickly.

This movie puts a twist on the time-honored Most Dangerous Game (1932) idea. The formula’s been tried before, with varying degrees of success, in everything from Death Ring (1992) to Avenging Force (1986). But Hard Target has plenty of awesome moments, including the extended climax in (what else) an abandoned warehouse. Never one to be afraid of wasting bullets, Woo pulls out all the stops in an extended feast of overkill. It’s over-the-top fun everyone should see.

On a technical note, the British DVD is longer than the American cut, including more violence. So try to track that down if you can, for the complete picture.

Go down to the bayou tonight for some high-octane, high-quality Van Damme at his absolute best.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

The Order (2001)

2011-10-21T06:36:00.001-04:00

The Order (2001)-***

Directed by: Sheldon Lettich

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sofia Milos, Ben Cross, Abdel Quissi, Brian Thompson, and Charlton Heston

Rudy (Van Damme) is a charming smuggler whose father is an archaeologist. When his beloved dad goes missing, Rudy travels to Israel to try and find him. While there, he meets his father’s old friend Finley (Heston) and they begin the search. Complicating matters are authorities that want to find Rudy, and a mysterious, ancient “Order” led by cult leader Cyrus Jacob (Thompson). Will Rudy navigate his way through the complex web?

A director specializing in Van Damme vehicles, Sheldon Lettich returns to Israel after his previous effort, the horrible The Last Warrior (2000) (surprisingly, with Dolph and not Van Damme), which was also shot there. Fortunately, The Order is far better and is decently entertaining. Yes, it has all the stupidity we’ve come to know and love from Nu-Image, but the Israel locations add a lot and the movie has a good pace.

Van Damme gives a pretty upbeat performance as Rudy, whose claim to fame is that he’s a black market Faberge egg dealer. His funny line readings are one of the main joys of this movie. Seeing as Van Damme co-wrote the screenplay, he obviously cared a little more this time, and the viewer reaps some of the benefits. Like Gary Daniels in Hawk's Vengeance (1997), we’re treated to the sight of the main hero dressing as an Orthodox Jew and doing some fighting. This appears in the scene with his The Quest (1996) co-star Abdel Qissi. Also the circular bump on his forehead is here, as can be seen in many of his 2000’s-era efforts.

As far as the presence of Charlton Heston in a Nu-Image production, you have to ask: Why? How? How did this happen? There’s even some minor Heston-Fu! It’s definitely an unusual sight to see. Of course, Yahoots Magoondi himself, Brian Thompson also is here, playing the leader of the mysterious sect. It seems like good casting, but it would have been nice to see a little more of this aspect of the plot.

Like a lot of movies of this type, there are some scenes, especially in the second half, which are under-lit and very hard to see. But on the bright side, Pino Donaggio contributes a great, theatrical-style score which helps a lot. Due to similar subject matter, The Order would make an interesting double feature with The Minion (1998). Someone try it and tell us how it goes.

For a Nu-Image title made during a low ebb in Van Damme’s career, The Order is surprisingly good, maybe the best made under those circumstances.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Double Impact (1991)

2011-10-19T08:49:00.000-04:00

Double Impact (1991)-***

Directed by: Sheldon Lettich

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Geoffrey Lewis, Alonna Shaw, Cory Everson, and Bolo Yeung

Alex (Van Damme) and Chad (Van Damme) are twins who were separated at six months old when their parents were murdered by gangsters. Alex became a ne’er-do-well in Hong Kong while Chad became a pretty-boy aerobics instructor in L.A. Convinced to go to Hong Kong to find out the truth, Chad meets Alex, and Yin meets Yang. The two men, despite being brothers, couldn’t be more different, and conflicts ensue. But it’s all in the name of getting revenge for their slain parents. But it’s going to take double the power to take down evildoer Moon (Yeung). Will you feel the impact?

Probably one of the better movies (of the five total) where Van Damme plays two roles, Double Impact has JCVD as the happy-go-lucky Chad, with his absurd pastel outfits and tiny pink shorts, as well as the gruff, cigar-chomping Alex. If you’ve ever seen The Patty Duke show in reruns, you know the “show the back of the other character’s head” style of portraying the two men. The movie wastes little time in having Van Damme do one of his trademark splits (while wearing a leotard, naturally). Chad is the fish out of water in Hong Kong (and the movie sports some great Hong Kong locations and photography), just one side of the coin that is Jean-Claude Van Damme.

This is also one of the many team-ups of Van Damme and director Sheldon Lettich. But at almost two hours, the movie overstays its welcome and is just too long. You know what they always say - double the Van Damme, double the running time. Though the movie drags at times, it also has just enough cool moments to make this a rollercoaster of peaks and valleys.

The rest of the cast is worthy too, as Bolo is here looking great, Cory Everson plays the bodybuilder who is also in the hard-to-find Ballistic (1995), and Alonna Shaw plays the eye candy - at one point the movie basically stops so it can become like a Playboy video for her. The movie naturally concludes in the time-honored steam factory, and characters even throw barrels at each other, a la Double Dragon. Double Dragon - Double Impact... coincidence? I think not...!

After the extensive running time, there is a freeze frame and the C + C Music Factory-like song, “Feel The Impact”, by Gen plays. By our estimation, Double Impact is kind of hit-or-miss. It’s a decent enough idea, but not enough to support such a lengthy movie.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

In Hell (2003)

2011-10-17T08:09:00.000-04:00

In Hell (2003)-***

Directed by: Ringo Lam

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme and Lawrence Taylor

Kyle LeBlanc (Van Damme) is an American who works in Russia. When his wife is murdered, he gets revenge and kills the assailant. Unfortunately, rather than be the end of the movie, it’s just the beginning of the nightmare for Kyle. He’s sent to a harsh, unforgiving Russian prison (is there any other kind?). While in there trying to survive, it comes to light that the corrupt guards bet on Punchfighting matches which they call “The Sparka” between the inmates. Kyle trains and fights, and becomes good, but in the process begins to lose his soul. Thanks to cellmate 451 (Taylor), Kyle starts the process of escaping his prisons, both mental and physical.

It may have been stated before, but In Hell is truly a return to form for Van Damme. After the horrendous Derailed (2002), he probably re-assessed his life and career and demanded he do something of quality. This may be an educated speculation, but In Hell is the result. It’s shot and directed well, as Ringo Lam is a talented man, and Van Damme probably thought it was foolproof to fall back on his Maximum Risk (1996) and Replicant (2001) director to deliver a good, solid production. He was right.

Interestingly, In Hell balances bare-knuckle, hard-core Punchfighting with a surprising amount of depth and philosophy, primarily delivered by Lawrence Taylor (of all people) as 451. The movie shows how Kyle becomes feral and animalistic, and begins to lose his identity. But he must search his soul to get it back. On top of that, there’s even some parallels to the biblical Samson story. Van Damme has a beard and long hair at one point. Can he maintain his abilities once it becomes a soul patch?

While there is some CGI (we’ll forgive the CGI moth, but the CGI planes are unnecessary), if you think about such movies as The Quest (1996), and compare that to this, you truly see Van Damme’s range as a performer and martial artist. The Quest, for all intents and purposes, is a kid’s movie, and In Hell certainly isn’t. Those are two ends of his spectrum, and any JCVD haters out there should keep that in mind. He clearly saw In Hell as a chance to stretch and push himself as an actor/martial artist (in itself a good sign that at his age he still wants to grow and learn), and In Hell was the perfect vehicle to do that, and the results are winning and entertaining, while delivering a different kind of Van Damme. So it could be said that it was a success all around.

Thirteen years after Death Warrant (1990), Van Damme returns to prison. And we should all be glad he did. In Hell is a Van Damme winner.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Maximum Risk (1996)

2011-10-15T08:27:00.000-04:00

Maximum Risk (1996)-***

Directed by: Ringo Lam

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Natasha Henstridge, Jean-Hughes Anglade, Zach Grenier, Frank Senger, and Paul Ben-Victor

Alain Moreau (Van Damme) is a French cop who just discovered he has a twin brother. His name was Mikhail Suverov and he worked for the Russian mob. To get to the truth about his life, he travels to New York City, specifically the Little Odessa area. While there he must fight gangsters, as well as double-dealing FBI agents. But just about everyone thinks he’s Mikhail. Luckily his brother’s girlfriend Alex (Henstridge) is along for the ride. Now Alain has to make it back to France in one piece, but not before causing some major Van Damage in the big apple!

Maximum Risk is from the good old days when Van Damme movies went to the theater. Thus, it has a high-quality look and feel, and seems to have a decent budget behind it. It’s nice to see the high production values used well by the great Ringo Lam, who would later team up with Van Damme again for Replicant and In Hell (2003).

It must be in Van Damme’s contract to be in movies where he plays two roles. Most actors never get this chance, but Van Damme has. FIVE times. The movies being Double Impact (1991), Maximum Risk, Replicant (2001), Timecop (1994) and The Order (2001). Just why he feels there aren’t enough Van Dammes currently on earth, outside of ego, has yet to be explained. To further emphasize his “double” life, here, in Maximum Risk, Van Damme seeing his reflection is a theme throughout the movie. Glasses, windows, picture frames, and of course mirrors are all employed for psychological purposes. But really this movie is an entertaining thriller that is palatable for general audiences. You don’t have to be a Van Damme or martial arts freak to enjoy Maximum Risk.

Say what you will about him, but Van Damme has more emotion than Chuck Norris. Or Don "The Dragon" Wilson. Speaking of Wilson, just as his Bloodfist movies are all 80 minutes, it seems another contract demand of Van Damme is that his movies be at least 100 minutes. Maximum Risk is no exception, so naturally there’s some filler, but not much. And a classic cliche is on display: the “wacky taxi driver” is on show once again, but at least this time he has a more substantial part to play than usual.

Following another JCVD rule, there has to be a scene where he gets nude or semi-nude. Why, we don’t know. Here it’s the time-honored bathhouse fight, also seen in such movies as Red Heat (1988) and Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991). But at least there’s some Natasha Henstridge nudity as well to right the ship. Henstridge, in only her second-ever movie role (after Species, 1995), looks great, and it’s sad to see her end up in Scott Wiper crud like A Better Way to Die (2000), but hey, you gotta make a living.

Maximum Risk is solid, undemanding entertainment seemingly made to make the careers of Van Damme and Ringo Lam go over well with larger audiences. Watching it today, it’s classic 90’s fun that’s easy to like.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Quest (1996)

2011-10-14T07:11:00.000-04:00

The Quest (1996)-**1\2

Directed by: Jean-Claude Van Damme

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Roger Moore, James Remar, Janet Gunn, Abdel Quissi, Louis Mandylor, Aki Aleong, and Jack McGee

Set in the 1920's, Chris Dubois (Van Damme) is a street performer who wears clown makeup, a funny hat, and walks on stilts for a living. Adventure finds him when he ends up a stowaway on a boat heading to mysterious Muay Thai Island. There he learns martial arts, and, later in Tibet, meets the charming Lord Dobbs (Moore) and his assistant Smythe (McGee). It is around this time that Chris seeks to be involved in Ghan Geng, a secret underground fighting tournament. The winner gets a huge golden dragon, so Dobbs has a stake in Chris winning, as he wants the Dragon. Fighters are invited from all over the world , and America is represented by boxer Maxie Devine (Remar). Chris must take his place in the tournament and defeat the sinister Khan (Quissi) to win it all. Also, there's some mild romance with the prerequisite female reporter Carrie Newton (Gunn).

Van Damme does a solid , professional job with his directional debut. Having co-written the film with Bloodsport (1988) dude Frank Dux, you pretty much know what to expect- but this movie is rated PG-13, so it was clearly trying to bring the Punchfighting genre some mainstream acceptance. With its slick Hollywood look and booming, sweeping score by Randy Edelman, the final product is perfect for 13-year olds, presumably its target demographic.

Interestingly, the movie is a period piece, and plays like a prequel to Bloodsport. Instead of The Kumite, It's Ghan Geng. Van Damme tries on a number of personas from "Old Man Van Damme" to "Van Damme The Clown" and many things in between. The presence of Roger Moore adds class and respectability to the proceedings, and James Remar of Quiet Cool (1986) fame stands out as Devine. He's always worth seeing. Janet Gunn from Night Of The Running Man (1995) and The Sweeper (1996) is the eye candy but not much else.

It's important to remember this was when video games like Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter were at the peak of their popularity. So when the Ghan Geng section of the movie begins (pretty much the last half)- the plot just STOPS. It's just one fighter from one country facing off against another fighter from another country. It gets repetitive and pretty numbing after awhile. Other Punchfighters don't do this. They vary the Punchfighting scenes with other plot-based stuff. Not so here. Plus the fact the movie is kind of on the long side doesn't help matters. What The Quest should have been is an 80 minute R-rated Punchfighter. Simply cutting the length but adding more violence would have helped immensely. But they weren't going for that audience, unfortunately.

The Quest is more of a big "adventure" film where characters are seeking a "lost city" and many countries and time periods are represented. This might be a good way to start younger viewers on a career of watching Van Damme movies\action movies\Punchfighters but for adults. Only Van Damme or perhaps Roger Moore completists need apply.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Nowhere To Run (1993)

2011-10-12T08:20:00.000-04:00

Nowhere To Run (1993)-*1\2

Directed by: Robert Harmon

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Rosanna Arquette, Kieran Culkin, Tiffany Taubman, Joss Ackland, and Ted Levine

Clydie (Arquette) is an attractive widow trying to raise her two kids, Mookie (Culkin) and Bree (Tiffany Taubman) on their family farm. Sam (Van Damme) is a mysterious prison escapee living on their land in a tent. Over time, Sam endears himself to the family, especially because the young Mookie is desperately searching for a father figure after the death of his own dad. Sam couldn’t have come along at a better time, because classic evil land baron Franklin Hale (Ackland) wants to take Clydie’s land and build a multi-million dollar development. So naturally he sends out his goons of various stripes to muscle the farm away. But not on Sam’s watch. Will Sam join Clydie’s fam? Or will yet another megalomaniacal land developer develop a way to keep them apart?

Ah yes, let’s take a trip down memory lane...it wasn’t so long ago that every Van Damme (and even Seagal movie, as hard as that is to believe now) went to the movie theater. JCVD had yet to become synonymous with DTV, and this film is quite mainstream. It has a highly polished, theater-ready look and feel. But because, after all, it’s still a Van Damme action movie, it’s still dumb and Van Damme has a ton of silly one liners that really don’t even make any sense.

Really, he just seems confused. In just about every scene, whether he be peeping into Rosanna Arquette’s window as she takes a bath, cooks a steak in the rural wilderness while wearing a suit, or just chillin’ in his pup tent with the latest issue of Top Heavy magazine, Van Damme seems oddly off-kilter in his performance. But that doesn’t stop him from showing his (presumably male) audience his time-honored unnecessary and un-asked for nudity. Rather than yet another eyeball-rolling shot of his naked butt, what this movie really needed was more goons for him to fight, more action scenes, and just more fight scenes in general. This is Van Damme here, after all.

Nowhere To Run also needed more verve and a streamlined plot. And what goons there are happen to be not evil enough. They should have done something REALLY evil and then Sam could go after them on a no-holds-barred revenge mission. That would have been awesome. Unfortunately however, this is run-of-the-mill Van Damme with few surprises. (Although what surprises remain are pretty good). The plot of the mysterious stranger that comes to a ranch to protect a family from the no-good-niks in town is ground well-covered since the days of the earliest Westerns, and Van Damme playing Monopoly with 2 kids and a song by Damn Yankees tacked on the soundtrack doesn’t really add much new to the old formula.

One more thing: Without any spoiler, let us just say this: the ending is UNBELIEVABLY lame. It’s one of the lamest - if not THE lamest ending to an action movie we’ve ever seen. The movie itself isn’t nearly good enough to justify or counterbalance such a disappointing ending. It’s not like “whoa, that movie was awesome, so, okay, we forgive how much the ending sucks.” No. The ending just sucks, period. It drags the whole movie - everything we’ve just seen and invested in - down.

Nowhere To Run is standard (actually, probably below-standard) Van Damme fare and despite a few bright spots, it’s really nothing to get too excited about.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Derailed (2002)

2011-10-11T07:56:00.000-04:00

Derailed (2002)-*1\2

Directed by: Bob Misiorowski

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Laura Harring and Tomas Arana

Jacques Kristoff (Van Damme) is a family man with a wife, a son and a daughter. He is given a mission by his superiors to track down a mysterious woman named Galina Konstantin (Harring). As it turns out, Galina is hiding a deadly bio-weapon - a mutated form of smallpox enhanced with other, newer pathogens. This is discovered while Jacques is escorting Galina on a train from Bratislava to Munich. Things really get complicated when a gang of terrorists headed by Mason Cole (Arana) hijack the train and attempt to steal the smallpox. In the ensuing confusion, a vial is broken and it goes into the ventilation system of the train, making a lot of people sick. Not the least of which is Jacques’ family, who surprised him by showing up on the train. Can Jacques save his family, stop the bio-terror from spreading, combat the terrorists, convince his wife he’s not cheating on her with Galina, and save the train from getting DERAILED?

Unfortunately, Derailed is stupid, junky, and is just plain filler in the career of Van Damme. Sadly, despite the presence of Van Damme, this movie isn’t really much different from any other Nu-Image or Millennium production. It has loathsome CGI, including CGI sparks, and is edited from probably countless other sources (which would explain why certain things may seem familiar if you‘ve seen Direct Contact, 2009). Speaking of editing, there are a lot of dumb, unnecessary editing effects that call attention to the cruddiness of this production, instead of covering it up, which we assume was the original intention.

Basically this movie is a ripoff/mishmash of movies such as Die Hard (1988), Speed (1994), The Taking of Pelham 123 (1974), and even Strategic Command (1997). But the most obvious “influence” is surely Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995). Clearly messing with perfection, the filmmakers must have watched that and said, “the only thing that would make this better is if Van Damme was in it and not Seagal!” And while Derailed doesn’t add much new to the formula, it does have a cool scene where Van Damme rides a motorbike on top of the speeding train. But even this movie highlight didn’t live up to its potential.

Stunt coordinator Mike Kirton, who also worked with Van Damme on The Quest (1996), probably wished he was back working on Heat (1986) and Malone (1987) with Burt Reynolds in the good old days.

Also featuring a guy who looks exactly like Joe Don Baker as the stereotypical Texan, and the baddies in red berets and fatigues that are more common in Nu-Image movies than Star Wars stormtroopers, we can’t forget the main title rap song, which is catchy and it seems like the uncredited rappers must have watched the movie to formulate their lyrics. I wonder if they found it challenging to fulfill their mandate to write a rap about a movie that has more obvious miniatures than most kids’ train sets.

Derailed is not a standout moment in the storied Van Damme career.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty